So I sick again... on a terrible week. I know it's my immune system going haywire with my late period and the stress of competition coming. My family will be out for the next few days and I will be alone in the house. I was planning to have the BF over for a little just because we don't often get a chance these days.
Though since I'm sick, he won't be coming anymore and I understand the sentiment. He doesn't want to get sick before the competition, although I'm still disappointed. I strung and sigh, although it still bothers me. Agreed though, people should stay away from me.
Honestly, I'd like to go home early from work, just because I'm not feeling all to great. I'm not too tired and I can still work, although I kind of just want to stay home and take care of stuff that needs to be done.
Maybe once more picture related work is finished, I'll excuse myself....
Overall, I'm just a little relieved and disappointed, especially after getting such a short call, so I write here to let it go. Back to work now!
Tuesday, November 7, 2017
Tuesday, October 17, 2017
Irritation I am Writing to Myself
I'm a bit irritated at the BF this afternoon.
I was very excited about having a weekend off, the few weekends I get off and he made a point that we would be finally spending a whole day together for a date. Something I look forward as well. Unfortunately that day, a pre-scheduled dance workshop by one of his friends and a great influence on his life is on the same Sunday.
In the beginning he makes the point that he would not go to the workshop because of my lack of weekends. I was conflicted hearing this, although I appreciated the sentiment. We argued a little about not having days off and we both understand that we are trying to compromise and make do with not having official "dates". He also made such a big deal of wanting a whole day off, something I wasn't as concerned with although appreciated the sentiment.
He decided to make a compromise saying that he would try to free his Saturday so that we would have the whole Saturday instead of Sunday, since he only had one lesson that day. With this compromise I was happy with and, again, appreciated the sentiment.
With this I am messaged again that his boss was unhappy with the idea of him moving the lesson so that Saturday was free and I understood that he would want to go to the workshop, therefore I was fine with postponing the whole day together and working around the workshop as usually as with the workshop there I do not consider it a whole day.
What irritated me was the fact that he continued to ask me if I wanted to go to the workshop and that him not going to the workshop was for me. I was unhappy with that. It made it sound like him not going to the workshop would then be my fault. The blame shifting as he tells the coach "Because my gf wants to go on a date, I can't go to your workshop." And that pissed me off. If he wanted to go then he should go.
Then he says that he's trying to prioritize me over dance and that irritated me even more when he says it as if I am forcing him to do something he doesn't want to just for the sake of making he happy. And frankly that made me more irritated. I am fine with postponing our whole "date" as planning around something is not what I consider a whole "date". Yes, it is still a date although not the kind of date I would be very excited about. And true, I am a little disappointed that the date will need to be postponed, but I rather postpone the date rather than postpone the workshop where it is more of a social and work obligation for him.
I'm a bit irritated that my view was not so much addressed. I don't mind the situation being compromised, although I am irritated that my views is not so much addressed.
[EDIT] Well... I'm glad he knows that I would rather do something completely different then half-ass a trip to SF. What's the point of going to the city if you can't fully enjoy the city for what it offers. Well we've come up with a conclusion which I am glad. Yay next Sunday.
I was very excited about having a weekend off, the few weekends I get off and he made a point that we would be finally spending a whole day together for a date. Something I look forward as well. Unfortunately that day, a pre-scheduled dance workshop by one of his friends and a great influence on his life is on the same Sunday.
In the beginning he makes the point that he would not go to the workshop because of my lack of weekends. I was conflicted hearing this, although I appreciated the sentiment. We argued a little about not having days off and we both understand that we are trying to compromise and make do with not having official "dates". He also made such a big deal of wanting a whole day off, something I wasn't as concerned with although appreciated the sentiment.
He decided to make a compromise saying that he would try to free his Saturday so that we would have the whole Saturday instead of Sunday, since he only had one lesson that day. With this compromise I was happy with and, again, appreciated the sentiment.
With this I am messaged again that his boss was unhappy with the idea of him moving the lesson so that Saturday was free and I understood that he would want to go to the workshop, therefore I was fine with postponing the whole day together and working around the workshop as usually as with the workshop there I do not consider it a whole day.
What irritated me was the fact that he continued to ask me if I wanted to go to the workshop and that him not going to the workshop was for me. I was unhappy with that. It made it sound like him not going to the workshop would then be my fault. The blame shifting as he tells the coach "Because my gf wants to go on a date, I can't go to your workshop." And that pissed me off. If he wanted to go then he should go.
Then he says that he's trying to prioritize me over dance and that irritated me even more when he says it as if I am forcing him to do something he doesn't want to just for the sake of making he happy. And frankly that made me more irritated. I am fine with postponing our whole "date" as planning around something is not what I consider a whole "date". Yes, it is still a date although not the kind of date I would be very excited about. And true, I am a little disappointed that the date will need to be postponed, but I rather postpone the date rather than postpone the workshop where it is more of a social and work obligation for him.
I'm a bit irritated that my view was not so much addressed. I don't mind the situation being compromised, although I am irritated that my views is not so much addressed.
[EDIT] Well... I'm glad he knows that I would rather do something completely different then half-ass a trip to SF. What's the point of going to the city if you can't fully enjoy the city for what it offers. Well we've come up with a conclusion which I am glad. Yay next Sunday.
Saturday, October 14, 2017
Rocking Out to Old Anime Music
Last night was amazing. It really is the moments I have together with him where we share our past interests and find interest in each other is why I believe we fit so well.
We can talk about our future, but being able to share each others interests without any hesitation and being able to be ourselves is what I love about our relationship. I was so excited listening to my favorite anime openings that it made me want to create a list of my top 10 animes of all time, just so I have a chance to really see if whenever I say "10 top animes" really add up to 10 animes.
1. Kuroshitsuji
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Y9nulcg3Yw
This is a no brainer. Kuroshitsuji is my absolute favorite series of all time and I will not let anyone bash it. The characters arehawt interesting and well-designed. The overlying plot is engaging and makes you want to understand more and the setting is unique.
2. Hyouka
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BogtGNnA-9k
This series was my favorite autumn watches during my last year before I left for Taiwan. I recommend this series as someone who likes cute girls, good animation, and a fun whimsical plot and story. The characters are engaging and you end up loving the characters so much more and want to see how they interact with each other.
3. Death Parade
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjjTMNDZi-A
This series starts you off with this exciting opening before breaking you heart with intense and heavy topics relating to death and morality. This was a fun and interesting series to watch and finish. You wouldn't be watching for anything more or anything less.
4. Yuri on Ice!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORDXWrL5EuQ
The to watch anime of Autumn 2016. It was ahead of its time and had a wonderful story arc for the main characters with a wonderful soundtrack. It also sparked my love and fangirling over Yuzuru Hanyu and a interested in ice skating again.
5. Natsume Yujujinchou
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lNqHleBzSM
This series is a series that not many people take the time to watch. The music isn't particular memorable but it gives you all the feels. They talk about a boy's tragic life and backstory without making you feel like his life is hell. He makes the most of what he has and appreciates what other people offer him. Everyone should follow Natsume's example and enjoy this feel good anime with engaging characters and comfortable soundtrack.
6. Clannad
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0I6YfDGDOc4
My favorite romance anime of all time. As much as I enjoy the shoujo romance, Clannad faces real issues and has a heartwretching ending that you can't help but get emotional watching after following the characters and each of their hardships. You can only wish they all get their happily ever after.
7. Touken Ranbu Katsugeki
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vge_YDskyR0
This was a silly anime that was on my list just for the hot guys, but I was honestly surprised by how much I enjoyed the series that it made it to my top. The animation was amazing and I do enjoy the history link between the storyline and the characters. It makes you want to learn more and become cultured while you're researching the series.
8. Gintama
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REHaJZgWwxY
Although I don't follow this series as closely anymore, the rewatchability of the series is very high for me. It's very laid back and humorous but also gives you a bass-ass serious, action packed arc every now and then, satisfying both sides of my anime needs.
9. Haikyuu!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2---3Iysnqg
Another one of those sports animes that pump you up and you fall in love with every single character. It's a tame action anime where sometimes you stand up cheering for the character's victories as you watch them grow and reach their goals. By 9 this is reaching its limit where the anime here can be easily replaced, although for the time being it was sit comfortably as one of my top animes.
10. Katekyo Hitman Reborn
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F4PgT3FpeZY
Although I was horribly disappointed by the manga, this series engaged me enough that I read the manga to the end! That must mean something already. It's one of those series where you love every single character and the main character is not all powerful therefore needs the joint force of everyone to defeat an enemy. Almost a shounen magical girl. It's how obsessed I was with the series is what gets it on the list.
We can talk about our future, but being able to share each others interests without any hesitation and being able to be ourselves is what I love about our relationship. I was so excited listening to my favorite anime openings that it made me want to create a list of my top 10 animes of all time, just so I have a chance to really see if whenever I say "10 top animes" really add up to 10 animes.
1. Kuroshitsuji
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Y9nulcg3Yw
This is a no brainer. Kuroshitsuji is my absolute favorite series of all time and I will not let anyone bash it. The characters are
2. Hyouka
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BogtGNnA-9k
This series was my favorite autumn watches during my last year before I left for Taiwan. I recommend this series as someone who likes cute girls, good animation, and a fun whimsical plot and story. The characters are engaging and you end up loving the characters so much more and want to see how they interact with each other.
3. Death Parade
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UjjTMNDZi-A
This series starts you off with this exciting opening before breaking you heart with intense and heavy topics relating to death and morality. This was a fun and interesting series to watch and finish. You wouldn't be watching for anything more or anything less.
4. Yuri on Ice!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ORDXWrL5EuQ
The to watch anime of Autumn 2016. It was ahead of its time and had a wonderful story arc for the main characters with a wonderful soundtrack. It also sparked my love and fangirling over Yuzuru Hanyu and a interested in ice skating again.
5. Natsume Yujujinchou
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lNqHleBzSM
This series is a series that not many people take the time to watch. The music isn't particular memorable but it gives you all the feels. They talk about a boy's tragic life and backstory without making you feel like his life is hell. He makes the most of what he has and appreciates what other people offer him. Everyone should follow Natsume's example and enjoy this feel good anime with engaging characters and comfortable soundtrack.
6. Clannad
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0I6YfDGDOc4
My favorite romance anime of all time. As much as I enjoy the shoujo romance, Clannad faces real issues and has a heartwretching ending that you can't help but get emotional watching after following the characters and each of their hardships. You can only wish they all get their happily ever after.
7. Touken Ranbu Katsugeki
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vge_YDskyR0
This was a silly anime that was on my list just for the hot guys, but I was honestly surprised by how much I enjoyed the series that it made it to my top. The animation was amazing and I do enjoy the history link between the storyline and the characters. It makes you want to learn more and become cultured while you're researching the series.
8. Gintama
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REHaJZgWwxY
Although I don't follow this series as closely anymore, the rewatchability of the series is very high for me. It's very laid back and humorous but also gives you a bass-ass serious, action packed arc every now and then, satisfying both sides of my anime needs.
9. Haikyuu!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2---3Iysnqg
Another one of those sports animes that pump you up and you fall in love with every single character. It's a tame action anime where sometimes you stand up cheering for the character's victories as you watch them grow and reach their goals. By 9 this is reaching its limit where the anime here can be easily replaced, although for the time being it was sit comfortably as one of my top animes.
10. Katekyo Hitman Reborn
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F4PgT3FpeZY
Although I was horribly disappointed by the manga, this series engaged me enough that I read the manga to the end! That must mean something already. It's one of those series where you love every single character and the main character is not all powerful therefore needs the joint force of everyone to defeat an enemy. Almost a shounen magical girl. It's how obsessed I was with the series is what gets it on the list.
Monday, September 11, 2017
Dance and the Medication
I just finished a dance talk with someone I felt I could really work together with for my dance goals. Someone I would like to compete with and work together with for our goals. Someone who just purely loves dance and also someone I can talk to and understands where I'm coming from.
I've gotten plenty of advice from various sources, mostly from sources more experienced and more knowledge than me. I felt like I made another friend in dance... although talking to my sempai about it... I feel like we are hurting each other in this aspect.
I was wondering why it is so hard for me to consider him a friend in dance. Is it because I admire him so much and because I look up to him so much that it's intimating. That I'm terrified of disappointing him even if he continues to say that he isn't.
Am I scared of the judgement that is possibly passed on me if I were to be close to him. Talking to that friend about dance also links very closely to our personal lives. I'm dating someone he considers a "legend" in the dance community. And... I feel like I can't hold up to the name.
Everything is fine when it's just Chris and Tammy... two people. But when it comes to dance, the name paired with him before just flows so much better. It even sounds smoother than my own name.
The past is the past. The past hurt. And I'm really trying not to let it affect my future... though I feel as though it is affecting me in the worst way by hurting someone I care about. I don't want my life to affect someone so deeply, though it's unavoidable.
On a personal level... I feel like a constant disappointment that he has to deal with. Even with all the "it's fine" it doesn't feel fine.
My dance... my mood swings, my trauma, my anxiety, I already cannot meet his expectations even if I want to... and I hurt myself because I believe I cannot. And a cycle of being disappointed in myself and remembering the hate of being so disappointed only hurts him as I can see him feel hopeless against the cycle.
I would like to get out of this cycle and find this healthy balance in both my dance and our relationship.
I've gotten plenty of advice from various sources, mostly from sources more experienced and more knowledge than me. I felt like I made another friend in dance... although talking to my sempai about it... I feel like we are hurting each other in this aspect.
I was wondering why it is so hard for me to consider him a friend in dance. Is it because I admire him so much and because I look up to him so much that it's intimating. That I'm terrified of disappointing him even if he continues to say that he isn't.
Am I scared of the judgement that is possibly passed on me if I were to be close to him. Talking to that friend about dance also links very closely to our personal lives. I'm dating someone he considers a "legend" in the dance community. And... I feel like I can't hold up to the name.
Everything is fine when it's just Chris and Tammy... two people. But when it comes to dance, the name paired with him before just flows so much better. It even sounds smoother than my own name.
The past is the past. The past hurt. And I'm really trying not to let it affect my future... though I feel as though it is affecting me in the worst way by hurting someone I care about. I don't want my life to affect someone so deeply, though it's unavoidable.
On a personal level... I feel like a constant disappointment that he has to deal with. Even with all the "it's fine" it doesn't feel fine.
My dance... my mood swings, my trauma, my anxiety, I already cannot meet his expectations even if I want to... and I hurt myself because I believe I cannot. And a cycle of being disappointed in myself and remembering the hate of being so disappointed only hurts him as I can see him feel hopeless against the cycle.
I would like to get out of this cycle and find this healthy balance in both my dance and our relationship.
Friday, August 18, 2017
What is Dance?
So I need to complain and figure out my dance life. What are your goals, Tammy?
I want to find my love for dance again and win competitions. I want to reverse my naturally ungraceful nature and learn to move my body with poise, elegance, and subtle sensuality.
Currently dance is something I find stressful. I miss it dearly... having a friend and working towards a goal together. I felt like I was given false hope from my sempai. He was eager for me to return to the states and gave me so much hope in my future dance career.
I woke up one morning writing to a coach, feeling like I should talk to him directly and ended up writing a long text about my insecurities and my tears just started to fall again. I'm not sure why I'm so sad about all this.
I even had long talks about this with my sempai only thinking it's the same cycle of worry over and over again. I need some time to myself to think about what I want, how will I solve these problems and how will I jumpstart my life. And this is why I am writing here again.
I am happy but unsatisfied with my life. I want to have a job... and I'm really considering if I should go back into retail or start teaching art again. I enjoyed teaching art at berkeley academy, though I want to move on to the next chapter of my life. I really want to do graphics.
I feel myself avoiding my boyfriend. I don't want to see him until I've put my life together. I've complained to him so many times that I feel like I'm useless in comparison to him. I don't want to feel like this and I want time to regain my self confidence. He wants me to talk to him... but frankly, as much as I like to depend on him, I don't want to do that either...
I'm conflicted with so many aspects of myself that I'm feeling a bit of a loss of identity. Leaving college I think was bad enough for many people, but for me, it is worse as I left an entire country and my life there to start anew.
I want to find my love for dance again and win competitions. I want to reverse my naturally ungraceful nature and learn to move my body with poise, elegance, and subtle sensuality.
Currently dance is something I find stressful. I miss it dearly... having a friend and working towards a goal together. I felt like I was given false hope from my sempai. He was eager for me to return to the states and gave me so much hope in my future dance career.
I woke up one morning writing to a coach, feeling like I should talk to him directly and ended up writing a long text about my insecurities and my tears just started to fall again. I'm not sure why I'm so sad about all this.
I even had long talks about this with my sempai only thinking it's the same cycle of worry over and over again. I need some time to myself to think about what I want, how will I solve these problems and how will I jumpstart my life. And this is why I am writing here again.
I am happy but unsatisfied with my life. I want to have a job... and I'm really considering if I should go back into retail or start teaching art again. I enjoyed teaching art at berkeley academy, though I want to move on to the next chapter of my life. I really want to do graphics.
I feel myself avoiding my boyfriend. I don't want to see him until I've put my life together. I've complained to him so many times that I feel like I'm useless in comparison to him. I don't want to feel like this and I want time to regain my self confidence. He wants me to talk to him... but frankly, as much as I like to depend on him, I don't want to do that either...
I'm conflicted with so many aspects of myself that I'm feeling a bit of a loss of identity. Leaving college I think was bad enough for many people, but for me, it is worse as I left an entire country and my life there to start anew.
Friday, June 2, 2017
Oh God... I'm Shaking, With Irritation
Omg... I need to let this out somewhere. I can't keep it in. I been trying to keep myself from being irritated, but I'm over the line right now.
I'm seriously considering that I can't stick with this girl any longer.
I was already a bit irritated with her since her presence gives me a sense of pressure and that she's starting to blame us for things when she should've put some work into it to begin with.
I know I'm not helping... or that I really wasn't that much help at the time either due to my lack of idea, but it's not like she was much help or suggested anything as well. It was always negative comments from her. Although I know she was just "reminding" her "reminding" often sounds condescending.
Something she said pulled me over the edge though.
"Well other groups say that we aren't that serious about doing the graduate project anyways..."
My blood pressure skyrocketed. I'm fine with fixing stuff if you give some suggestions on what we could do or at least offer to fix something together. I honestly was about to faint with irritation. My tolerance is wearing thin.
I'm tired of negative feedback when there has been no suggestions for improvement.
I'm tired of being constantly criticized when SOMEONE is just looking at her phone talking about her idol.
I'm tired of blaming myself for being too easily angered.
I'm seriously considering not keeping in contact with this woman. Things have been getting too personal and her lack of ability to face the situation is seriously getting on my nerves.
Problems can be fixed. Let's talk about how to fix it rather than criticize people shall we? I'm honestly shaking with annoyance. I really need to scream at a pillow as I've just slapped a wall and my hand is now smarting.
OKAY fine I will print a sticker of some sort. When we couldn't get it laser done, you didn't say anything either. FINE. I GET IT.
FUCK IT ALL. OKAY.
I was there at the exhibition all morning. 10 to 2... that's four hours. And you were there from 2 to 6 and you make it sound like I'm not there at all. FUCK YOU.
.......
Ai... So... she came into my room and changed the topic.
I felt my irritation dissipate. WTF is this witchcraft.
I'm still annoyed, but I can take a deep breath and continue on. As long it's not the exhibition I should be okay.
I know she's not a bad person, and I'd hope I'm not a bad person. I just need some breathing room.
I'm seriously considering that I can't stick with this girl any longer.
I was already a bit irritated with her since her presence gives me a sense of pressure and that she's starting to blame us for things when she should've put some work into it to begin with.
I know I'm not helping... or that I really wasn't that much help at the time either due to my lack of idea, but it's not like she was much help or suggested anything as well. It was always negative comments from her. Although I know she was just "reminding" her "reminding" often sounds condescending.
Something she said pulled me over the edge though.
"Well other groups say that we aren't that serious about doing the graduate project anyways..."
My blood pressure skyrocketed. I'm fine with fixing stuff if you give some suggestions on what we could do or at least offer to fix something together. I honestly was about to faint with irritation. My tolerance is wearing thin.
I'm tired of negative feedback when there has been no suggestions for improvement.
I'm tired of being constantly criticized when SOMEONE is just looking at her phone talking about her idol.
I'm tired of blaming myself for being too easily angered.
I'm seriously considering not keeping in contact with this woman. Things have been getting too personal and her lack of ability to face the situation is seriously getting on my nerves.
Problems can be fixed. Let's talk about how to fix it rather than criticize people shall we? I'm honestly shaking with annoyance. I really need to scream at a pillow as I've just slapped a wall and my hand is now smarting.
OKAY fine I will print a sticker of some sort. When we couldn't get it laser done, you didn't say anything either. FINE. I GET IT.
FUCK IT ALL. OKAY.
I was there at the exhibition all morning. 10 to 2... that's four hours. And you were there from 2 to 6 and you make it sound like I'm not there at all. FUCK YOU.
.......
Ai... So... she came into my room and changed the topic.
I felt my irritation dissipate. WTF is this witchcraft.
I'm still annoyed, but I can take a deep breath and continue on. As long it's not the exhibition I should be okay.
I know she's not a bad person, and I'd hope I'm not a bad person. I just need some breathing room.
Friday, April 7, 2017
Overstepping Lines
Yes, I love him, but I also worry about if our relationship could continue if he doesn't change anything about his employment.
I don't mind him wanting to stay in retail... it's the lack of a vision for the future I have an issue dealing with. How could he possibly believe that a salary like that could give him a future where he can dance, have a house, and have a family?
I will do what I can to convince him... although I do think I am overstepping my boundaries as a girlfriend, when technically we are still long distance and the time we have been together measures up to one month. The world knows of our relationship and I'm trying to make this work. But if his career path is stuck at this point... I don't know if I can continue this either.
I know he's not ever going to be an engineer or a doctor... and I thought if things were to get even more serious... we'll make it work somehow. My parents did... with a decent salary including benefits and my mom making money on the side. They were able to give the three of us a comfortable living with money and time to spare to go on vacations every year. Putting their daughter through college and funding her expensive hobby of ballroom dancing.
I am no longer a child and it's time to be realistic. I already have it easy with a house that is already in my name and a car that my family would be happy to sell me when the time comes, but I am free to use already. Yes, I am still a bit of a child... but the more I think about it, it feels like he had been stuck in time since the moment I met him... and is not ambitions enough to continue.
He is stubborn like other friends... and I do what I can to convince him and help him though do I have the right to? He has come to understand that not just with me, but if this career path keeps up, he will not be able to maintain a stable relationship which I agree with.
I'm not asking for marriage or a future with him... though if there is one, I would like him to at least convince me that we can be financially secure to some degree. I will still be making money with what I can do. I am lucky that with graphic design and art I already have plenty of options and examples that I can follow and I am ambitions enough with a support system that I can achieve these goals.
He needs to be ambitious as well or I feel as if things will need to end before it gets painful. I will still support him wholeheartedly as I also want what he wants, whether if we can do it together or not is another question.
I don't mind him wanting to stay in retail... it's the lack of a vision for the future I have an issue dealing with. How could he possibly believe that a salary like that could give him a future where he can dance, have a house, and have a family?
I will do what I can to convince him... although I do think I am overstepping my boundaries as a girlfriend, when technically we are still long distance and the time we have been together measures up to one month. The world knows of our relationship and I'm trying to make this work. But if his career path is stuck at this point... I don't know if I can continue this either.
I know he's not ever going to be an engineer or a doctor... and I thought if things were to get even more serious... we'll make it work somehow. My parents did... with a decent salary including benefits and my mom making money on the side. They were able to give the three of us a comfortable living with money and time to spare to go on vacations every year. Putting their daughter through college and funding her expensive hobby of ballroom dancing.
I am no longer a child and it's time to be realistic. I already have it easy with a house that is already in my name and a car that my family would be happy to sell me when the time comes, but I am free to use already. Yes, I am still a bit of a child... but the more I think about it, it feels like he had been stuck in time since the moment I met him... and is not ambitions enough to continue.
He is stubborn like other friends... and I do what I can to convince him and help him though do I have the right to? He has come to understand that not just with me, but if this career path keeps up, he will not be able to maintain a stable relationship which I agree with.
I'm not asking for marriage or a future with him... though if there is one, I would like him to at least convince me that we can be financially secure to some degree. I will still be making money with what I can do. I am lucky that with graphic design and art I already have plenty of options and examples that I can follow and I am ambitions enough with a support system that I can achieve these goals.
He needs to be ambitious as well or I feel as if things will need to end before it gets painful. I will still support him wholeheartedly as I also want what he wants, whether if we can do it together or not is another question.
Saturday, April 1, 2017
Shit, Abort Mission!
Hi blogger.
So you've always been a place for me to talk about feelings that I'm not able to really tell anyone else about. Somethings should just remain secret for myself to know and this blog has always been the place to talk to... Blogger has also been somewhere I can remind myself and have a voice tell me what I need to do to become a better person and a place to reflect on the past when rereading posts.
I've realized that I've become a bit... obsessed isn't the word... but just infatuated I suppose. I honestly am scaring myself a little as well... how much I want someone in my life in such an intimate way although logistically I know I'm taking it too far.
Moving in and marriage are things that girls dream about. I myself also am guilty of these fantasies. I really enjoy the idea of living with someone who really cares about me and just having each others lives intertwined with mine. Not everyday needs to be special but just the mundane life of getting up and living with each other is a fantasy of mine. I think since the trip I've been a bit unreasonable. I remember very clearly laying on the bed and humming half awake that I can imagine living together with so and so... I was replied with a... "It's not as easy as you think... there's a lot more complications that come with living together," he said.
I felt a sort of rejection since then I suppose. Although I know logically that it's too early to say what could happen in the future, but letting someone know this intimate fantasy of mine and getting rejected was a bit hurtful in a way. Not that I'll admit it aloud.
Again I suggested something. It was more out of the kindness that I have towards the person rather than my want to fulfill fantasies. But... I offered a room since they were getting emptied and my family was looking for tenants. Which such a good deal it was an idea that I found convenient for me and for him. He explained he want to... but because I was probably moving in there as well, he didn't want to complicate things. Reasonably I understand. I guess I'm not against that step... as long as it's convenient for both people. He said perhaps in a year or two... we'll see. Since his family situation is ___. I wasn't necessarily offended but I started to see my own openness to all this.
I saw a change within myself when facebook changed. My relationship status went from "single" to "in a relationship" for the first time. The first time I publicized my romantic life and was okay with everything to a degree. I wasn't the one who took the first step, but because he was willing I was touched in a way. I tried to convince myself that it's not a big deal, selfies with friends don't always mean something to other people.
I found myself wanting to spend more time together despite the long distance. Wanting to call more... see him more... hear more about his every day. Wanting to understand someone more.
He told me about a surprise party in honor of his birthday. It sounded fun and I said "I wish I could be there." The reply was... "Oh, it's okay." I'm probably taking this too personally, but I felt like I was told that I shouldn't be there. Granted I haven't been part of the community in the longest time and I'm also nervous about going back. They're all "his friends" and I don't want to make "his friends" into "our friends." I want people of my own social circle as well... I admit there needs to be space. I think I've just been too willing to close this space. Heck, if they'll accept me I won't even know. He's well-loved and I'm the girl who left.
I just wanted to remind myself today to remember who you are Tammy. Who you are before you were touched for the first time. The girl you strive to be who you still can be and strive to be even with someone else in your life. Take things slowly and carefully as you are afraid to be hurt as well. Trust who you know you can trust unconditionally. Be careful with yourself and your emotions. Control them even if someone says you need to.
I don't want to see myself melt into a puddle. A puddle that I use to mock. A puddle I use to not understand. I need to stand my ground sometimes.... I've been hurt before being a puddle. Having been splashed, stomped, kicked, and left behind. Remember that hurt... and be careful not to be hurt again.
"I'm actually really serious," I said last night as I thought we both were. But I may be hitting the crossroads... (as a video stated). Be careful, Tammy. Your heart is delicate even if you try not to show it. Don't hold it out to be broken. Ice can sometimes be deceiving and I don't want to fall through. Don't be someone who gets broken by someone else.
So you've always been a place for me to talk about feelings that I'm not able to really tell anyone else about. Somethings should just remain secret for myself to know and this blog has always been the place to talk to... Blogger has also been somewhere I can remind myself and have a voice tell me what I need to do to become a better person and a place to reflect on the past when rereading posts.
I've realized that I've become a bit... obsessed isn't the word... but just infatuated I suppose. I honestly am scaring myself a little as well... how much I want someone in my life in such an intimate way although logistically I know I'm taking it too far.
Moving in and marriage are things that girls dream about. I myself also am guilty of these fantasies. I really enjoy the idea of living with someone who really cares about me and just having each others lives intertwined with mine. Not everyday needs to be special but just the mundane life of getting up and living with each other is a fantasy of mine. I think since the trip I've been a bit unreasonable. I remember very clearly laying on the bed and humming half awake that I can imagine living together with so and so... I was replied with a... "It's not as easy as you think... there's a lot more complications that come with living together," he said.
I felt a sort of rejection since then I suppose. Although I know logically that it's too early to say what could happen in the future, but letting someone know this intimate fantasy of mine and getting rejected was a bit hurtful in a way. Not that I'll admit it aloud.
Again I suggested something. It was more out of the kindness that I have towards the person rather than my want to fulfill fantasies. But... I offered a room since they were getting emptied and my family was looking for tenants. Which such a good deal it was an idea that I found convenient for me and for him. He explained he want to... but because I was probably moving in there as well, he didn't want to complicate things. Reasonably I understand. I guess I'm not against that step... as long as it's convenient for both people. He said perhaps in a year or two... we'll see. Since his family situation is ___. I wasn't necessarily offended but I started to see my own openness to all this.
I saw a change within myself when facebook changed. My relationship status went from "single" to "in a relationship" for the first time. The first time I publicized my romantic life and was okay with everything to a degree. I wasn't the one who took the first step, but because he was willing I was touched in a way. I tried to convince myself that it's not a big deal, selfies with friends don't always mean something to other people.
I found myself wanting to spend more time together despite the long distance. Wanting to call more... see him more... hear more about his every day. Wanting to understand someone more.
He told me about a surprise party in honor of his birthday. It sounded fun and I said "I wish I could be there." The reply was... "Oh, it's okay." I'm probably taking this too personally, but I felt like I was told that I shouldn't be there. Granted I haven't been part of the community in the longest time and I'm also nervous about going back. They're all "his friends" and I don't want to make "his friends" into "our friends." I want people of my own social circle as well... I admit there needs to be space. I think I've just been too willing to close this space. Heck, if they'll accept me I won't even know. He's well-loved and I'm the girl who left.
I just wanted to remind myself today to remember who you are Tammy. Who you are before you were touched for the first time. The girl you strive to be who you still can be and strive to be even with someone else in your life. Take things slowly and carefully as you are afraid to be hurt as well. Trust who you know you can trust unconditionally. Be careful with yourself and your emotions. Control them even if someone says you need to.
I don't want to see myself melt into a puddle. A puddle that I use to mock. A puddle I use to not understand. I need to stand my ground sometimes.... I've been hurt before being a puddle. Having been splashed, stomped, kicked, and left behind. Remember that hurt... and be careful not to be hurt again.
"I'm actually really serious," I said last night as I thought we both were. But I may be hitting the crossroads... (as a video stated). Be careful, Tammy. Your heart is delicate even if you try not to show it. Don't hold it out to be broken. Ice can sometimes be deceiving and I don't want to fall through. Don't be someone who gets broken by someone else.
Tuesday, March 21, 2017
Missin You Like Crazy
Friday was the first day my sempai arrived in Taipei. We had a wonderful five days together, some high energy with so much productivity and others lazy as we lay in bed and nap in each others arms.
This morning he'd left to Hong Kong, also not wanting to go and I'm feeling a bit lethargic and sad at the idea that he's gone again. Another three to four months before we can be together again.
Friday: I woke up at 5 am to take the first train to the Taoyuan Airport to pick him up. His flight was really early, though I wanted to be there to wave and greet him. I arrived earlier than him coming out my heart pounding in my chest. I saw his tall figure coming out of the gates and excitedly I approached him. He had looked down at his phone, trying to contact me I guess until our eyes met. His eyes were browner than I remembered. I took him back to Taipei where I prepared for my exhibition, having breakfast with my friends just so they got to meet. Unfortunately it felt like they didn't have any intentions to want to know him better. Though we napped and went to the exhibition together. It was six o'clock by the time we got to the hotel room. With that we bathed and had sex after seven months. Sex was intense as he fell asleep first due to jet lag. I personally wasn't as tired as I laid and thought about his arms around me. By the time I'd fallen asleep, he was hard again and we had sex again.
Saturday: We woke up in each other's arms, went out to walk around the Beitou area when nothing was open. We walked into a market and let him experience that kind of traditional Taiwanese market. We were waiting for the 7:30 breakfast to begin. We went back, ate a simple meal as it wasn't that good before going back into the hot springs and having sex again.
I took him to Tamsui, my self acclaimed best date spot in Taipei. We walked the pier and ate as we pleased. With that over, we went back towards NTNU to get his luggage and get him checked into his airbnb room. I took him to watch my club members perform for a second orientation. That evening we went to CKS memorial where I shared my knowledge about China Taiwan relations and took him to Shilin night market where we also ate. He looked tired towards the evening so we stopped and .
Sunday: After having eaten so much we decided that day would be a light day with some exercise although the weather had other plans. The rain kept us from running early in the morning though I realized that I had a UTI and wanted to go to Banqiao to get some medication from my grandma while also deciding that we would get my favorite place for pineapple cakes. Chris had a hair appointment that day so we waited until then where I convinced him to get a perm. Four hours later he came out with fabulous hair that I always get excited looking at and it makes me want to kiss him even more. :P
We had an easy day that night as he wanted to have dinner with his airbnb hosts. We had hotpot at my favorite hotpot place and it was a fun social interaction my first time as a couple with another couple.
Monday: Due to the unsuccessful attempts to exercise and so much food, we woke up early to climb Elephant Mountain. We circled the top, a route that I hadn't taken before, kissing at the top and a few selfies that I sigh looking at due to my sweaty nature. We went back to his place and napped for a moment before going to Yongkang Street for lunch. I had planned to go to DingTaiFung, though there was too many people. Instead we went to a small store and had beef noodle soup which was extremely good. For dessert, Mango Shaved Ice.
I had class on Monday afternoons, letting him roam free without me for a few hours and I met him at a cafe when the time came. We had a light dinner and boba before going to my club dance lesson. It seemed like he had fun and I enjoyed watching everyone welcome him in with open arms with his experience to teach clearly I was proud of him and wished only more that he could stay.
Tuesday: Last day was to take it easy, we slept in after breakfast before having lunch in the back alley of NTU (unimpressive curry) before heading to the Maokong. We stopped by a tea place and drank tea just talking, something I always enjoyed doing with him. Just relaxing with just him and me. We ate a few snacked before heading to WuFenPu for him to do some clothes shopping. He got plenty of basics and I wanted him to try new styles since he'd mentioned not having been allowed to have that much color in his wardrobe due to his pervious relationship. It was then talks about his previous relationships was a bit upsetting. I tried to explain to him the fact that although I know I wasn't being compared, I felt like there were restrictions due to him talking about his past relationship. Stuff that I couldn't do... or the fact that he was still jaded about relationships due to his breakup. We had ramen and returned to his place to stay the night... the last night.
I feel myself a bit under the weather due to missing him. This trip only made me love him more and want to continue this relationship. I also what this to work... but I don't want to go into this with any doubts. I'm determined to make things work... and we'll see how things go only the future will tell when we can finally be in the same place at the same time.
This morning he'd left to Hong Kong, also not wanting to go and I'm feeling a bit lethargic and sad at the idea that he's gone again. Another three to four months before we can be together again.
Friday: I woke up at 5 am to take the first train to the Taoyuan Airport to pick him up. His flight was really early, though I wanted to be there to wave and greet him. I arrived earlier than him coming out my heart pounding in my chest. I saw his tall figure coming out of the gates and excitedly I approached him. He had looked down at his phone, trying to contact me I guess until our eyes met. His eyes were browner than I remembered. I took him back to Taipei where I prepared for my exhibition, having breakfast with my friends just so they got to meet. Unfortunately it felt like they didn't have any intentions to want to know him better. Though we napped and went to the exhibition together. It was six o'clock by the time we got to the hotel room. With that we bathed and had sex after seven months. Sex was intense as he fell asleep first due to jet lag. I personally wasn't as tired as I laid and thought about his arms around me. By the time I'd fallen asleep, he was hard again and we had sex again.
Saturday: We woke up in each other's arms, went out to walk around the Beitou area when nothing was open. We walked into a market and let him experience that kind of traditional Taiwanese market. We were waiting for the 7:30 breakfast to begin. We went back, ate a simple meal as it wasn't that good before going back into the hot springs and having sex again.
I took him to Tamsui, my self acclaimed best date spot in Taipei. We walked the pier and ate as we pleased. With that over, we went back towards NTNU to get his luggage and get him checked into his airbnb room. I took him to watch my club members perform for a second orientation. That evening we went to CKS memorial where I shared my knowledge about China Taiwan relations and took him to Shilin night market where we also ate. He looked tired towards the evening so we stopped and .
Sunday: After having eaten so much we decided that day would be a light day with some exercise although the weather had other plans. The rain kept us from running early in the morning though I realized that I had a UTI and wanted to go to Banqiao to get some medication from my grandma while also deciding that we would get my favorite place for pineapple cakes. Chris had a hair appointment that day so we waited until then where I convinced him to get a perm. Four hours later he came out with fabulous hair that I always get excited looking at and it makes me want to kiss him even more. :P
We had an easy day that night as he wanted to have dinner with his airbnb hosts. We had hotpot at my favorite hotpot place and it was a fun social interaction my first time as a couple with another couple.
Monday: Due to the unsuccessful attempts to exercise and so much food, we woke up early to climb Elephant Mountain. We circled the top, a route that I hadn't taken before, kissing at the top and a few selfies that I sigh looking at due to my sweaty nature. We went back to his place and napped for a moment before going to Yongkang Street for lunch. I had planned to go to DingTaiFung, though there was too many people. Instead we went to a small store and had beef noodle soup which was extremely good. For dessert, Mango Shaved Ice.
I had class on Monday afternoons, letting him roam free without me for a few hours and I met him at a cafe when the time came. We had a light dinner and boba before going to my club dance lesson. It seemed like he had fun and I enjoyed watching everyone welcome him in with open arms with his experience to teach clearly I was proud of him and wished only more that he could stay.
Tuesday: Last day was to take it easy, we slept in after breakfast before having lunch in the back alley of NTU (unimpressive curry) before heading to the Maokong. We stopped by a tea place and drank tea just talking, something I always enjoyed doing with him. Just relaxing with just him and me. We ate a few snacked before heading to WuFenPu for him to do some clothes shopping. He got plenty of basics and I wanted him to try new styles since he'd mentioned not having been allowed to have that much color in his wardrobe due to his pervious relationship. It was then talks about his previous relationships was a bit upsetting. I tried to explain to him the fact that although I know I wasn't being compared, I felt like there were restrictions due to him talking about his past relationship. Stuff that I couldn't do... or the fact that he was still jaded about relationships due to his breakup. We had ramen and returned to his place to stay the night... the last night.
I feel myself a bit under the weather due to missing him. This trip only made me love him more and want to continue this relationship. I also what this to work... but I don't want to go into this with any doubts. I'm determined to make things work... and we'll see how things go only the future will tell when we can finally be in the same place at the same time.
The Moment you Realize that you're the Bitch
Last night I felt a wall... a wall between my friends in Taiwan and I. I realized that in my heart I'm getting tired of life in Taiwan and I want to go home. Completing official work has always been a pain while living here and its always been upsetting when I realize how inadequate my language is. I want to leave this place.
It's not just that though. I feel as if relationships with friends have slowly been souring. It's not horrible. I've been having drama with this girl since coming back and I'm trying to fix myself, to be happy for someone else. Last night I was called out for being the bitch and I realized my old flaws that have arisen.
I'm terrified of the issues that happen when my ugly side is revealed. It's as if I can only hold back that version of me for three years maybe a little more. But I've realized how horrible of a friend I can be.
As I talked with my sempai last night about I've been upset about, I felt a shame for needing comfort in the same topics, to the point he described it as obsessive. The idea upset me further knowing that I was being ridiculous.
I guess I'm unhappy with this aspect of my life and it always brings me to tears. I do feel like I don't have anyone I can talk to about it that will make me feel better, as it is something I solely need to figure out. I'm doing my best to... I do feel like I talk out of my own ass often enough. Sometimes it makes no sense and sometimes it's unreasonable.
So this blog is also me talking out of my own ass. I'm going to be left behind one day... and I should get use to it. I'm not going to be the one hogging attention. I try my best to be, but my personality is not one that'll continue to make an impact on people. It's funny because it's also not a good idea to let yourself wallow in despair. People will continue to ignore you at that point.
It's not just that though. I feel as if relationships with friends have slowly been souring. It's not horrible. I've been having drama with this girl since coming back and I'm trying to fix myself, to be happy for someone else. Last night I was called out for being the bitch and I realized my old flaws that have arisen.
I'm terrified of the issues that happen when my ugly side is revealed. It's as if I can only hold back that version of me for three years maybe a little more. But I've realized how horrible of a friend I can be.
As I talked with my sempai last night about I've been upset about, I felt a shame for needing comfort in the same topics, to the point he described it as obsessive. The idea upset me further knowing that I was being ridiculous.
I guess I'm unhappy with this aspect of my life and it always brings me to tears. I do feel like I don't have anyone I can talk to about it that will make me feel better, as it is something I solely need to figure out. I'm doing my best to... I do feel like I talk out of my own ass often enough. Sometimes it makes no sense and sometimes it's unreasonable.
So this blog is also me talking out of my own ass. I'm going to be left behind one day... and I should get use to it. I'm not going to be the one hogging attention. I try my best to be, but my personality is not one that'll continue to make an impact on people. It's funny because it's also not a good idea to let yourself wallow in despair. People will continue to ignore you at that point.
Dream: Meeting Yuzuru Hanyu
2017/01/06
I was suppose to wake up at 7AM this morning but ended up falling back asleep and having a dream I would like to have a record of.
My friend and I were at a resort in Taiwan for whatever reason. There were hot springs and in a separate building an ice rink. My friend and I got separated, but we both noticed when arriving that there was some special event that night with a "mystery guest." We really didn't think much about it, but by chance I came across the event and realized that the figure skater we both fangirl over was there to perform! It was super exciting as even I was just about to leave the rink when it started.
The performance was great as always and I was upset because I didn't see my friend and I thought she missed the performance. She did and we went to have dinner. My chance, Hanyu was next to our table and I quickly made take some photos. He seemed busy so we didn't disturb right away, although we asked to take pictures with him.
As per usual, my dreams always ends at the good parts and I woke up, but it was something I wanted to document.
I was suppose to wake up at 7AM this morning but ended up falling back asleep and having a dream I would like to have a record of.
My friend and I were at a resort in Taiwan for whatever reason. There were hot springs and in a separate building an ice rink. My friend and I got separated, but we both noticed when arriving that there was some special event that night with a "mystery guest." We really didn't think much about it, but by chance I came across the event and realized that the figure skater we both fangirl over was there to perform! It was super exciting as even I was just about to leave the rink when it started.
The performance was great as always and I was upset because I didn't see my friend and I thought she missed the performance. She did and we went to have dinner. My chance, Hanyu was next to our table and I quickly made take some photos. He seemed busy so we didn't disturb right away, although we asked to take pictures with him.
As per usual, my dreams always ends at the good parts and I woke up, but it was something I wanted to document.
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