I just finished a dance talk with someone I felt I could really work together with for my dance goals. Someone I would like to compete with and work together with for our goals. Someone who just purely loves dance and also someone I can talk to and understands where I'm coming from.
I've gotten plenty of advice from various sources, mostly from sources more experienced and more knowledge than me. I felt like I made another friend in dance... although talking to my sempai about it... I feel like we are hurting each other in this aspect.
I was wondering why it is so hard for me to consider him a friend in dance. Is it because I admire him so much and because I look up to him so much that it's intimating. That I'm terrified of disappointing him even if he continues to say that he isn't.
Am I scared of the judgement that is possibly passed on me if I were to be close to him. Talking to that friend about dance also links very closely to our personal lives. I'm dating someone he considers a "legend" in the dance community. And... I feel like I can't hold up to the name.
Everything is fine when it's just Chris and Tammy... two people. But when it comes to dance, the name paired with him before just flows so much better. It even sounds smoother than my own name.
The past is the past. The past hurt. And I'm really trying not to let it affect my future... though I feel as though it is affecting me in the worst way by hurting someone I care about. I don't want my life to affect someone so deeply, though it's unavoidable.
On a personal level... I feel like a constant disappointment that he has to deal with. Even with all the "it's fine" it doesn't feel fine.
My dance... my mood swings, my trauma, my anxiety, I already cannot meet his expectations even if I want to... and I hurt myself because I believe I cannot. And a cycle of being disappointed in myself and remembering the hate of being so disappointed only hurts him as I can see him feel hopeless against the cycle.
I would like to get out of this cycle and find this healthy balance in both my dance and our relationship.
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