What is Dance?

So I need to complain and figure out my dance life. What are your goals, Tammy?
I want to find my love for dance again and win competitions. I want to reverse my naturally ungraceful nature and learn to move my body with poise, elegance, and subtle sensuality.

Currently dance is something I find stressful. I miss it dearly... having a friend and working towards a goal together. I felt like I was given false hope from my sempai. He was eager for me to return to the states and gave me so much hope in my future dance career.

I woke up one morning writing to a coach, feeling like I should talk to him directly and ended up writing a long text about my insecurities and my tears just started to fall again. I'm not sure why I'm so sad about all this.

I even had long talks about this with my sempai only thinking it's the same cycle of worry over and over again. I need some time to myself to think about what I want, how will I solve these problems and how will I jumpstart my life. And this is why I am writing here again.

I am happy but unsatisfied with my life. I want to have a job... and I'm really considering if I should go back into retail or start teaching art again. I enjoyed teaching art at berkeley academy, though I want to move on to the next chapter of my life. I really want to do graphics.

I feel myself avoiding my boyfriend. I don't want to see him until I've put my life together. I've complained to him so many times that I feel like I'm useless in comparison to him. I don't want to feel like this and I want time to regain my self confidence. He wants me to talk to him... but frankly, as much as I like to depend on him, I don't want to do that either...
I'm conflicted with so many aspects of myself that I'm feeling a bit of a loss of identity. Leaving college I think was bad enough for many people, but for me, it is worse as I left an entire country and my life there to start anew.