Last night I felt a wall... a wall between my friends in Taiwan and I. I realized that in my heart I'm getting tired of life in Taiwan and I want to go home. Completing official work has always been a pain while living here and its always been upsetting when I realize how inadequate my language is. I want to leave this place.
It's not just that though. I feel as if relationships with friends have slowly been souring. It's not horrible. I've been having drama with this girl since coming back and I'm trying to fix myself, to be happy for someone else. Last night I was called out for being the bitch and I realized my old flaws that have arisen.
I'm terrified of the issues that happen when my ugly side is revealed. It's as if I can only hold back that version of me for three years maybe a little more. But I've realized how horrible of a friend I can be.
As I talked with my sempai last night about I've been upset about, I felt a shame for needing comfort in the same topics, to the point he described it as obsessive. The idea upset me further knowing that I was being ridiculous.
I guess I'm unhappy with this aspect of my life and it always brings me to tears. I do feel like I don't have anyone I can talk to about it that will make me feel better, as it is something I solely need to figure out. I'm doing my best to... I do feel like I talk out of my own ass often enough. Sometimes it makes no sense and sometimes it's unreasonable.
So this blog is also me talking out of my own ass. I'm going to be left behind one day... and I should get use to it. I'm not going to be the one hogging attention. I try my best to be, but my personality is not one that'll continue to make an impact on people. It's funny because it's also not a good idea to let yourself wallow in despair. People will continue to ignore you at that point.
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