Hi blogger.
So you've always been a place for me to talk about feelings that I'm not able to really tell anyone else about. Somethings should just remain secret for myself to know and this blog has always been the place to talk to... Blogger has also been somewhere I can remind myself and have a voice tell me what I need to do to become a better person and a place to reflect on the past when rereading posts.
I've realized that I've become a bit... obsessed isn't the word... but just infatuated I suppose. I honestly am scaring myself a little as well... how much I want someone in my life in such an intimate way although logistically I know I'm taking it too far.
Moving in and marriage are things that girls dream about. I myself also am guilty of these fantasies. I really enjoy the idea of living with someone who really cares about me and just having each others lives intertwined with mine. Not everyday needs to be special but just the mundane life of getting up and living with each other is a fantasy of mine. I think since the trip I've been a bit unreasonable. I remember very clearly laying on the bed and humming half awake that I can imagine living together with so and so... I was replied with a... "It's not as easy as you think... there's a lot more complications that come with living together," he said.
I felt a sort of rejection since then I suppose. Although I know logically that it's too early to say what could happen in the future, but letting someone know this intimate fantasy of mine and getting rejected was a bit hurtful in a way. Not that I'll admit it aloud.
Again I suggested something. It was more out of the kindness that I have towards the person rather than my want to fulfill fantasies. But... I offered a room since they were getting emptied and my family was looking for tenants. Which such a good deal it was an idea that I found convenient for me and for him. He explained he want to... but because I was probably moving in there as well, he didn't want to complicate things. Reasonably I understand. I guess I'm not against that step... as long as it's convenient for both people. He said perhaps in a year or two... we'll see. Since his family situation is ___. I wasn't necessarily offended but I started to see my own openness to all this.
I saw a change within myself when facebook changed. My relationship status went from "single" to "in a relationship" for the first time. The first time I publicized my romantic life and was okay with everything to a degree. I wasn't the one who took the first step, but because he was willing I was touched in a way. I tried to convince myself that it's not a big deal, selfies with friends don't always mean something to other people.
I found myself wanting to spend more time together despite the long distance. Wanting to call more... see him more... hear more about his every day. Wanting to understand someone more.
He told me about a surprise party in honor of his birthday. It sounded fun and I said "I wish I could be there." The reply was... "Oh, it's okay." I'm probably taking this too personally, but I felt like I was told that I shouldn't be there. Granted I haven't been part of the community in the longest time and I'm also nervous about going back. They're all "his friends" and I don't want to make "his friends" into "our friends." I want people of my own social circle as well... I admit there needs to be space. I think I've just been too willing to close this space. Heck, if they'll accept me I won't even know. He's well-loved and I'm the girl who left.
I just wanted to remind myself today to remember who you are Tammy. Who you are before you were touched for the first time. The girl you strive to be who you still can be and strive to be even with someone else in your life. Take things slowly and carefully as you are afraid to be hurt as well. Trust who you know you can trust unconditionally. Be careful with yourself and your emotions. Control them even if someone says you need to.
I don't want to see myself melt into a puddle. A puddle that I use to mock. A puddle I use to not understand. I need to stand my ground sometimes.... I've been hurt before being a puddle. Having been splashed, stomped, kicked, and left behind. Remember that hurt... and be careful not to be hurt again.
"I'm actually really serious," I said last night as I thought we both were. But I may be hitting the crossroads... (as a video stated). Be careful, Tammy. Your heart is delicate even if you try not to show it. Don't hold it out to be broken. Ice can sometimes be deceiving and I don't want to fall through. Don't be someone who gets broken by someone else.
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