Happy Halloween

I didn't celebrate Halloween last year, since there wasn't much to celebrate. School was keeping me busy and didn't pressure me to dress up like in High School.
But this year was different. I thought I would be passing by another year peacefully without the thoughts of clothes, costume, and make up, but to my surprise, my Taiwanese classmates also wanted to experience some haunted fun.
It's a bit disappointing there are no haunted house attractions in Taiwan though, it seems that they all wish there was something fun like that to do.

Anyways, I woke up at 6:00 am today to start putting make up on everyone because we needed to  add more flair to our halloween headbands.
Too bad I already wiped away my make-up, or I would've been more motivated! But we went to the other rooms and traded/gave away candy to them. It was actually really fun! But... could've been better planned.

I want to bring a bag of candies next year, and just go around. Hopefully have a better costume even.

Happy Halloween Blogger

The (Seemingly) End of an Era

I've always loved rping, since the first moments it had been introduced to me. Thinking of new characters and personalities, drawing them out, and acting them out. I loved this process. No matter who I rped with, I'd always loved rping with my closest friend at the time. YKC...

Since Loraurel, I've changed. The addition of Lorence into my personality gave me more confidence to act on a whim and I could feel myself more and more dependent on this daily sending and receiving replies.
When YKC and I became less close, and went our separate way, I always thought that these two characters could still link us since we both loved them with all our lives.
Freshman year was fine, I could tell she still wanted this, and so did I... but then... the year after... I moved to start a new era and chapter of my life. To do something that not everyone usually experiences and make my life more interesting and exciting. Suddenly... once I arrived, she stopped. Just like that...

Was she looking for a chance to stop this connection with this time difference.

Is she really just busy and can't find the time to reply. (But then... that just means she doesn't care enough to make time.

Or does she suddenly find this childish and meaning-less.

Perhaps she wants to break this connection for good and that she really did just HATE me all this time....

Either way. I'm upset with all the time and love I've invested into Loraurel. And I can't seem to find myself to stop regardless of how upset I am and how I wish to keep myself from this pain....

I'm sad... and disappointed. And I miss our connection and relationship, since she's conveyed to me vaguely that she officially wants nothing to do with me...

Can't Hold A Conversation

Is it... that I'm weird... or am I undesirable to talk to? Or am I just a pain in the ass... but I realized officially, that people can't hold a conversation with me.
I don't think I'm that boring, and I certainly don't think the person I'm talking to is boring... so why ignore me. I have several ways of thinking and I really do hope they're not true....

My prediction is that people only talk to you when it is beneficial to them. For example, now that I am out of the lives of the people in the US, they ignore my attempts of conversation.
Is it just that people don't like to hold a conversation online? But then... what's wrong with holding a conversation online. That's the point of social media...
Am I really not beneficial, or do you just don't want to deal with me anymore?

Questions I ask myself and make me become more unhappy with human nature. If I talk to you... why not talk back? I suppose that it is a less rude way to say "fuck off..." but still. I don't mind if you just /say/ you don't want to talk to me. Because if you don't, I still find you a good person, and would like to maintain a relationship with you. If you don't want that status with me, then fine, we don't have to and I can just put you in the "I'm not talking to you category."

Fine and Thank you for your insensitive way of communicating that.

Book Review: The Fault In Our Stars

I'm a fan of John Green. I first came across this guy from CrashCourse and taken a liking in his humor and educational methods, never would I have realized that he could write a book that made my heart ache and eyes water.
I haven't cried while reading a book for a long time. I think the last time was when I was still in elementary school reading a book I have no idea what it was. Perhaps Dolphin Diaries. As I grown up, I haven't been very emotional other than my emotional weeks of the month and this was not one of them. But the story sucked me in and left me with my heart aching and my eyes watering at the name: Augustus Waters.

When I started this book, I was believing that Hazel would be the one to die since she was the more sick one and the story was about her. I even had a feeling that it would reflect the book that she mentions so much and also stop mid-narrative.
This book, like other romances was very fictional, but touching. I was absolutely charmed by Augustus's character and like Hazel, wanted to just hold him for his comfort and my own.

I loved the writing, and some quotes in this book really struck true with the imagery and the meaning it represented. But the message that TFIOS tried to reveal was hard to sympathize for me. I'm not a girl sick of cancer, and I haven't been as lucky as Hazel to experience such a true love. I can, however, connect in the question of "Will I ever find love?" in the same idea as Hazel would in the beginning.
Perhaps it's missing the angst that is usually in a relationship that gets me excited and heartwretched, so I'm very pleased with my emotions that this book his brought up in me.

I'm going to read this book again, for sure, just because I want another perspective and to feel the same heartwretch that makes me feel like a better person. To learn, love, and live.
Perhaps my blog makes no sense, and will probably make no sense to even the future me. But I enjoyed this book immensely and will hug it tightly to my chest to seek comfort for myself and these characters that see so much of the world in it's imperfections.

Sad Situation

Hanging out with a friend I learn of a most sad situation that I've heard, and powerless to do anything to help.
The talk was fine, but when I got home, I was heartbroken for that friend.

I really wish I could've helped, but I am way out of proximity to help in that area. If that friend was much closer, I could do so much to try and improve her situation.

I really believe that becoming independent is important, regardless if your parent's ability to support you. Working and work experience is extremely important. Work to become independent, a job is a blessing and continue to work to make yourself happy and keep your life healthy.

Some Private Thoughts

So today I had a semi deep conversation with my mom, some time hanging out with the team in the last lesson today, and time to think to myself a little.
Perhaps it's because I'm on my period again so I'm getting emotional... but I do wonder what would've happened if my last year in high school wasn't so tragic feeling...

That girl has changed quite a bit from what I see (her outer personality at least) and I still wish in my heart that things hadn't gone so wrong... even if she did hate me inside and out....

I'm happy with what I've become... but I just feel so upset whenever I know something about her life... and that I'm not part of her happiness anymore. Not even through Loraurel...
Strangely... May 15 is still an important day that stands out in my mind. Just because I had five years where I've found that day so special... and for some reason it still is...

This year... I hope to finish a drawing or two of loraurel by that date... but at the same time I don't think they matter to her anyways...
I don't know... should I talk to her about it when she's free... or should I just ignore these sad feelings of mine and give myself the feeling that I don't need her...?...

I want to see a therapist...

Un-photogenic

Ew... I hate how I look.

Too fat, face too round, body too chubby, boobs too saggy, arms too large, and so on

I hate my body. I hate my appearance.
 I wish I was happy with my body. I want to be happy with it... but I'm not...

I've taken an interest in photography and I've always loved anatomy from the get-go... but once I see a picture of myself, I am disgusted by what I see.
No, I have not been effected by the media about how a body should look... I just don't like how I look myself.

Isn't make-up suppose to enhance someone's look? I think I just get uglier.

Isn't pretty clothes suppose to make someone feel pretty? I think I just don't look good in them.

I wish I was happy with my body. And I work hard to make it what I imagine. Eating healthy, exercising, and etc. But I still think it's hideous. I'm hideous...

Unexpected Tears

Today, I left team practice early for one reason... I couldn't stop crying.

I had a busy day, waking up a 9 o'clock and going to three different supermarkets to buy ingredients, then getting up to prepare everything and realizing that I couldn't make the sushi I wanted to make as nice as I could...
So my mother came home and she helped make it as I prepared the ingredients. They turned out delicious.

I packed all my stuff quickly and left the house, wishing that I could stay with my mother more. I really wanted to hug her and thank her for all her work. But I left, and went to school immediately. I was 40 minutes late and they were already close to the end of ballroom dance.

I still tried to figure out the moves as fast as I could, asking people left and right and watching people I thought that would've got it.
I still didn't understand it, so I asked one of the girls that were very talented and dance, and she couldn't help me either. So I went straight to the coach, asking him to led me. He helped me halfway before completely just leaving me alone because the lesson was over, and I felt like he half-assed the job in teaching me. But I suppose that was also my fault for being late... but I was really trying...

So during the break I was a bit angered that I was so close to getting the move down, but I just couldn't get the second part. I was rather irritated with the coach too and suddenly I felt myself tear up. I really didn't want to... but I soon started to feel my tears gather and I went into the room to let it out a little. Before I knew it, I was sobbing and couldn't hold back the tears that were rolling down my face.

By the time I stopped myself, I could see that my nose was read and eyes were puffy and with further frustration I went into the room again in hopes to cool down. There I returned to think about why the fuck I decided to start crying and I honestly couldn't come up with a good reason.

Eventually the former prez (who was a really nice guy) found me and asked me what was wrong and the waterworks returned. I was so frustrated as I was just cooling down and suddenly I couldn't stop crying again. He asked me what I was upset about and I honestly couldn't get a good answer, just saying that I was frustrated with the whole move.
He said the usual things one would say, telling me that it was normal. If I was frustrated it just meant that I cared a lot and etc etc. Which I already knew...
He wanted me to go outside and I refused too. I didn't want people to know I was crying since I honestly had no good reason to be doing so. So I told him I wanted to stay in the room.

He left and brought back some towels as well as bring the girl that I asked to help me earlier, to talk to me. Trying to find something to say, I just said some not very good reasons to be upset... and her words didn't exactly help either since they were all things I knew already.
I really just didn't know why I was so upset!
I told her I really wanted to be alone... and she left too, allowing me to cool down in the room again.

Pondering in the room, I decided to go home, since I was obviously missing too much of the lesson to dance again and I just didn't want to be there anymore. I got up, changed my shoes, and left. Letting the former president guy know that I was leaving. (since he was closest to the door)
He tried to comfort me, telling me to call him if I needed to and I nodded, voice cracking as I felt the tears returned and quickly left.
I walked to the parking lot near tears and got into the car, letting myself choke up again and drive home, telling myself that I really didn't know why I was crying.

I got home and started to search online for reasons why I would suddenly start crying and why I reacted the way I did, unable to pull myself together.

So I had a bit of a sad day today... I hope it won't ruin myself for tomorrow. I really am happy for those competing and I'm super excited to take their picture and having them enjoy snacks.

I pray it'll be a good day tomorrow. Be happy Tammy and stay strong.

F... U...

I should be sleeping right now... I shouldn't be mad right now, BUT I FUCKING AM...

Let's just call her L.

So I know we're not the friends we use to be, but we've decide to continue this arrangement and mutually agree that it's important to both of us.
NO, YOU CAN NOT HAVE A REAL LIFE IF YOU NEED THIS. IF YOU HAVE A LIFE YOU DON'T NEED IT. SO JUST ADMIT YOU HAVE A FUCKING LIFE ALREADY, I CAN FORGIVE YOU FOR THAT.

I'm insane right now, I know. This is a build up! Here I am ignorantly replying as soon as I can, even when I'm busy. I always check my phone and reply soon after. Whether it's when I'm doing a project with someone or in the middle of break between and during classes.
I go through a lot of shit to make sure this experience is fun for you, and you're only into feeling self fulfilled.
Why am I still bending backwards for you??

Perhaps I'm mad at myself... Or I just want to get away from some stress I'm going through for this. BUT YOU WON'T GIVE IT TO ME.

No, I'm not going to end this little arrangement, but believe me, I will rant and bitch about it the whole way through.

I let you have weekends to have a real life, and get drunk, and text me while you're fucking drunk. So I'd at least think you'd give me your weekdays, between classes or something. But no, I see you're too busy having a life!

You're probably going to never reply with that long ass text I sent you and the smaller ones I use to bitch. I'll be even more mad, but whatever, that just shows me how little you care.

I hope you'll try to prove yourself for the rest of the week but I highly doubt it. You're still the same person I knew you as, though perhaps even more indifferent.

The Confessions Page

So, Facebook recently got a new San Jose State University Confessions page and I've been rather hooked. I really learn interesting things about college live that I don't think I will every experience.

A small list

• Teachers will give As when you f*** them... (some teachers being 50+ yrs)
• Students can get in a relationship with Teachers
• Lot of Sluts on Campus....
• Gross things that happen on campus that is nice to know for future reference
• To know that there are still nice girls and guys that are like me 
• Commuting does suck a**
• Lot of love confessions going on...
• ETC ETC ETC...

Yeah... I feel like I want to write a confession, just not a really serious one since I'd never put myself out there.


Anyways. Few interesting things today.

My art professor used my drawing as an example. I think that's because he thinks my work is good? :D
But I try not to get too self absorbed in that class, I can learn a lot :D

Why I Hate Taiwanese Dramas

Due to my decision of going to Taiwan for the second half of my college career, my dad has been accusing me of not having good enough Chinese (since he doesn't want me to go back)
He says that even though I am on a foreign exchange program where all my courses will be in ENGLISH and all my tests are in ENGLISH and there are no books.
Also, in my last course in Chinese, I received an A grade...
And I am a fluent speaker with no accent that even Taiwanese people can't tell that I was born in America through my speaking

Either way, I've been trying to reassure him by watching a few Taiwanese dramas... and GOD I feel like I can't finish any of them.

Taiwanese dramas are so fake... and overly dramatic, which is really really stupid...

I first started to watch Autumn's Concerto...
And I couldn't even get to the second part. (my mom even finished this series)
One... I hate the guy lead... since I didn't find him very handsome and I never find the chemistry just right...
And the romance really made no sense to me....

So I stopped watching that series and tried to find another one.

A series that was very close to my heart is one called Invincible Shan Bao Mei.
I remember that it was extremely cute and that the romance was... decent
But the characters and the actors were extremely cute...
I also really loved the main lead, Nicholas Teo

As a result, I tried to watch another one Nick Teo's dramas, Smiling Pasta...
And... I feel nothing for it...
The acting isn't great (where most dramas aren't)
The girl lead just seems stupid and tsun tsun... It's really annoying...
And the problems that come up in the series I feel can be solved easily with a few words. Afterall, the press only wants to hear something interesting rather than something that makes actual sense.
 I don't know how I'm going to force myself to continue this series... but we'll see... =___=
I heard it gets better... that they fall in love and get really engaged and what not. But honestly, I care nothing of these characters right now...

2013 New Years Resolution

Instead of posting this on my deviantart where no one really cares about me. I decided to post this on my blogger where at least I care more and no else one reads this.

Last years resolution I don't think I completed very well... but this year and for years to come I will really try to strive to be a better person.
So here is my list:

•  save every $5 bill I receive and use it to buy something special or just put into savings
• draw something every month
• (tentative) make a single cosplay for myself 
• continue to ballroom and latin dance.
• complete the before shower exercise daily
• complete a mature wardrobe (perhaps with my $5 savings)
• become a better person in general
• be happy

there's probably more to this than what is in my head, but this will do for now. Anymore more would be one of those goals that I don't really give much thought to and will end up not achieving