Depressing Tumblr Posts?

I go on tumblr and I see a lot of tumblr posts in the form of sad quotes, such as:

"Why does no one care for me."

"Can't people see that I am hurting?"

 And stuff like that. I then think back on it, being a spectator of a situation right now I think I've matured in thought.
In the past I'm sure I would've agreed with those depressing tumblr quotes and asked why no one understands me. But I did some growing up this month and thinking.
I now see those tumblr posts and find them selfish and disagree with them.

No one will ever understand how you're hurting. People don't care that much for you (or me in any case), no matter how close you are. They're not going to help you in ways that you want as they are powerless to helping your feelings. All they can do is support you through what you're going through, and listen to your problems, perhaps even make you see reason if you're being unreasonable. A third-party opinion is often very important.

Be your own person and pave your own path. The only one you can only rely on is family (if they're good to you that is).

Trusting someone out of family is a tricky thing. As the bond is fragile and the love isn't always unconditional. And it's usually one-sided as one gives more than the other.

Those are just my recent thoughts. But today's song gives me a sense of comfort. I really hope that one day I can dance a rumba to this.

Hate from the World

I went to the movies with a friend today... and talked to that friend about something I didn't think would come up again.

I confess... during Fanime2012, I did make some bad decisions that were selfish and I feel guilt for them to this day when I remember them.
Though I probably should confess what I did, I do not want to think about what I did...

But hearing what someone now thinks of me because of those bad decisions... I now worry if that is what will come be for me for the rest of my life...
People who have once liked me suddenly turning around and hating me due to the mistakes I make throughout life...

I have no friends from my elementary time... and none from my middle school part of life.
I've managed to keep a few from high school who accept me... or so I think they do...

A previous group of friends for the majority of high school who have also accepted me now shun me... and I worry that it will happen to me again...
Or perhaps it wasn't their rejection of me... or my rejection of them... Either way. I know I'm a horrible person if I've gone through so much pain.
It must be karma...

This is why I have decided to leave for Taiwan... before the tides have turned in my college life as well. But after Taiwan... where else am I to go?...

I NEED TO DRAWWWW!

OMG I've been lugging my tablet around for the past two weeks trying to draw stuff!
I can't believe I'm having such a hard time finding the time. RAWRRRR~

List of things I want/need to draw.
1) all thirty days of the challenge... that I still have yet to start.
2) something loraurel
3) redrawing my old OCs...

Seems like a small list. But for some reason I'm having a hard time getting to it.

DWTS Rant

OMG OMG OMG TTATT I'm SOOOOO SADDDDDD

This is the first season where I'm watching Dancing With the Stars while it's airing and I'm SOOOO UPSET WITH THE RESULTS

It started last week with Joey Fatone being voted out and I was like: WHAT WHAT WHAT WHY HE HAS SUCH A GREAT PERSONALITY! HE BROUGHT SO MUCH FUN TO THE DANCE FLOOR!
I was so upset to see him go... and I swore to myself that I hope Bristol would be next because Joey did NOT deserve to go...
I was so excited to see him and Apollo go at it again. SOBBBBBBB

So this week I voted for everyone who I thought was good or decent and that did not NOT include Bristol.
Okay, I admit her dance this week wasn't bad. The paso doble fit her well, but she's bad compared to all the other dancers. JOEY LEFT BEFORE HER?!?!

I honestly thought Kristie and Bristol would be the ones to go this time. But NO IT WAS DREW AND HELIO! I was about to cry!
Len looked just as depressed. Granted I didn't vote for Helio but I had to admit he was one of the better ones! And I DID vote for Drew last night. I was so upset to see them go... former champions....

But the main problem is BRISTOL IS STILL THERE! I don't hate her! I Don't! But All the better dancers are being voted out and I still have to watch her dance. Poor Mark... he should've got Sabrina...
Which brings me to another point. Why the hell was Bristol safe and Sabrina had to go into the red light?! I think Sabrina was amazing in her Paso. It was beautiful! Luckily she didn't go, but SOMEONE ELSE SHOULD BE IN THAT RED LIGHT!!

*sigh*
Just an update. My favorites for this season are Sabrina, Apollo, and Shawn...
The list got smaller because Joey and Helio were voted out already =____= *sobbing*

Unfulfilling College Life?

I've been contemplating this a bit and I believe that my college life is so much more unfulfilling then usual. I feel like I was very open to meeting new people and making new friends for the first few weeks of school and now a few months in I'm kinda... not... anymore.

I always have this worry that there's something about me that the world hates and whenever I feel someone distance themselves I get this feeling and I admit that it upsets me quite a bit...

I'm home right now... where I'm bored and just chill. Why do people that annoy me seem to float to me and people that I think are so school end up distancing themselves. There must be something repulsive about me that everyone dislikes... and no one will tell me what it is.

I'm tired. Hopefully I'm just PMSing and I feel so alone all the time...

Good night world, please give me hope to go on and I pray for a better tomorrow.

Political Opinion

Since there's no one really I can talk about my political opinions to since it is such a touchy subject, as always I'm expressing them here.

Last night I watched the presidential debate between Romney and Obama and I just say, I didn't think I would have such a huge opinion on what I watched.
I have this habit of reading comments on youtube as well to read commenter opinions as often they catch things that I don't and I think I agreed with the comments.

One of them mentioned how Americans are so biased about their views based on Democratic and Republican beliefs, which I very much agree. I do not consider myself as either seeing that I just turned eighteen and only recently started to look into politics to become an informed citizen. I try to be as open minded as I can about the candidates  policies and try to see which one I prefer.

Policy wise I would say that Romney won the debate. He brought up a lot of good plans but it was weird how he continuously changed his opinion. It was weird and didn't make too much sense to me. If I was really unbiased then I probably would go for Romney.

As a person though, Romney bothered me by being rude the whole debate. He continued to talk and ignored the commissioner's attempts to manage the event. I didn't like that and although he was very determined to get his point across, it made me think less of him as a person.

Looking through the comments I also saw a candidate named Gary Johnson and he seems to have some rather popular support behind him as well and I would like to look into him to see if he could come up with something that mesh both ideas together and gain popular vote.
Now honestly I want to vote this November, but I don't think my vote will really make a difference living in a democratic state. Why not give it a try still.

College Update

School has started and I've adjusted to college life well. Perhaps it's because I'm commuting but it's nothing like people say about college and I haven't heard anything from Aretha that is particularly R-rated.
I've come to make my friends through classes and clubs. Most of the friends I have now are from my clubs, the Dancesport to be more specific. I love ballroom dancing, that's why I gave Lorence this hobby in the first place and I see the joy in it now. It's a form of exercise for me, a method of making friends, and a joy for me to do. Every Friday after practice I always have this proud feeling since I was able to dance. I'm so excited for the competition in November but I have yet to decide what I would like to dance. If swing and lindy is an option, I would love to do that... but I still would need to get the right shoes.

I know that She has moved down to UCSD already and the rping has been slowed due to her need to adjust to the new lifestyle. I have mixed feelings about her life there and when I hear what happens there. It's nice to hear about her life there as I feel like I'm hearing about an actual college experience compared to mine in SJSU. And I must admit, perhaps it's jealousy. I know I still harbor feelings towards her, but I'm glad we were able to move on with our lives.
A bit before she moved, we were able to aim about the problems we had then and I suppose I understand her view but of course there were still things I can learn more about, but all in time. We were even able to skype for a bit which I would say is an improvement.
I'm a bit skeptical about this, but would like to do it... I want to have tea with her. A promise we had before the whole drama. We'll see how it goes.

Loraurel is bothering me a bit. I know the current plot is OOC, but Lorence hates infidelity the most and Laurel went on and cheated. It bothers me...
It's obvious that there are similarities between Laurel/Her and Lorence/Me. I feel as if the fact that Lorence got mad is a bit of my ranting as well about my feelings then. About being used and tossed aside, but all can be separated after a few hours on my own to chill and not think about it. It does make the plot a bit weird though.

Anyways. I've been bored on the internet. There's not much to do other than the homework which I must say I rather enjoy. This must mean I'm /really/ bored.

Well it's Tuesday and the start of my busy week with events after class, hope it'll keep me busy why Loraurel is slow.

My Private Life

Since I no longer have any close friends and what not. My private life has really been a secret from people and it seems more like I've disappeared from the face of the Earth.

So I enjoy writing in this blog to express my thoughts and etc.

So I've been busy from work the past week and it will continue next week. But I've been surfing the internet for a good laugh lately as well.

I just spent an hour looking around at roleplay groups on dA to see if anything interested me. Then I paused... and thought about it a bit. I really want to improve my drawing, and I do think that rp groups help (as it did in GH). But I decided that I really spend too little time on one picture... so I decided to just draw serious fanart and OCs and see how it goes :)

I found this awesome website and getting a ton of laughs just reading it. I love this website... and It makes me lmao.

After this I shall be working on a Hyouka fanart. Wanting to draw Satoshi and Houtarou holding out that glowing green flower that Chitanda seems to set off sometimes. :D lovely flower.

Anyways meanwhile. Cellos are still beautiful.

Anime Review: Hyouka

Chitanda's hypnotic powers when she's curious

So I'm interested in this new series lately. It's very interesting since I realized I quite like a bit of mystery to things (even if it creeps me out and makes me shiver once in a while)

The story is generally centralized about this male student called Houtarou Oreki (who I learned is Tomoya's VA) who is forced to join the Classics Club by his sister. His motto in life is to not do anything that wastes energy, and when he has to do something, do it quickly. (which I must say is pretty good of a motto) This makes him come across as lazy and lethargic. So three other members join the club and they start solving mysteries. 

What I like about their mysteries is that there is a very logical and realistic explanation to all the mysteries and that it takes the fear out of what people find is the supernatural.

Characters: I am highly fond of all the characters in this series. The least probably is Chitanda since her constant curiosity bothers me just a bit, though I admit it leads to rather good mysteries that should be solved. Good thing she starts taking a back seat once Oreki starts stepping up to the plate. I'm very fond of the best friend character, absolutely adorable. Houtarou's personality and inner commentary is very amusing and much in line with my sense of humor. 

Art/Animation: As an artist, I watch and read manga based on how good the animation and art style is, hoping to learn from it as I watch as well as a form of entertainment. I really like Hyouka's animation and art. It's very school life cuties, but it's very pretty as well. Lots of lighting use I noticed which can be a bit odd... I guess it's something to do with atmosphere.

Story/Plot: I really enjoy every episodes once stuff started speeding up. The mysteries suck me in and I enjoy the school life plot mixed in with these problems people would consider supernatural.

Music:From what I judge from the openings and endings, I don't like the music, but the animation they really make interesting and pretty so it's hard not to watch it. I kind of just not focus on the music at that point though I must say the OSTs are rather pretty since it's solid classical.

Entertainment: I like the bits and pieces of humor and I feel like this series gives the best of everything from school life to romance to mystery to humor. I think it's for a wide range of people, but apparently the first few episodes are such a drag to get through there is a lot of not as good review about it.

Overall: I like this series. Perhaps not as much to do anything but watch it, but it definitely goes as something I enjoy. It can sit along side Natsume Yuujinchou in my entertainment and enjoyment level. Can't wait to see more of this :P

Killing Some Demons

Alright... so I just need to kill some demons in my heart.

I know I'm very lonely at this point in my life. I don't really have any friends that I would say that I really love or any friends from my childhood that I still have...
I've cut off many ties throughout my short life... some that were my choice and some that weren't.

Currently it's a transition period between one life to another. I'm not planning to be in much contact with my friends from high school... since none of them lasted very long or were very pleasant until the end. I'm thinking about unfriend-ing many of the people on my facebook, so I don't get updates of everyone from Foothill that I don't quite care for. I do keep in contact with some who come to me first, and then I appreciate their presence in my life... but other than that, I enjoy staying at home and just being with my mom and working until exhaustion.
 I must say I only have one friend that I would consider loving and keeping in contact with in the future, and I know that I will miss him dearly when we're in college and going separate ways.  But I highly doubt that we'll be able to keep in contact for long... due to rather different interests... how did we manage to begin with?... idk haha

Well... I'm good now. I just needed to write out my thoughts for a bit :)

Work is been going well and keeping me busy. Between preparing for the next days lesson and teaching the actual lesson... my mind has been tired and stressed out.

I don't need these demons... not now when things at work gets me equally as stressed... imma shower and sleep and hope for a good day. Good night world.

Thoughts: Legend of Korra

So yay! Season Finale of The Last Airbender: Legend of Korra.

I quite enjoyed the season Finale and I know for a fact that may people had issues. Yes, I had issues too... since it just felt way too easy, but the last few scenes (Especially the one where Aang comes and AVATAR STATE KORRA). I got shivers listening to the old OST from TLA. *tears in eyes*

I heard many complains about the timing... and I agree the timing was rushed... but it was rushed the whole series you should get use to it!

The finale really felt like a series finale though... and right now I have no clue what they plan to do for the next season...
I think no one has an idea of what they plan to do season two... but I'm sure everyone wants to see more of Commander Bumi! I know I am! I really want to see Kya and all the second generation people TTwTT.

General Iroh was a disappointment... casting Dante Basco really did nothing for the character other than have Zuko's voice... in fact it was strange. I would've expected a bit if voice altering to make it lower and sound more mature (since Iroh was like... late twenties and Zuko was a teenager) but he didn't change it at all... it was weird...

The romance between Mako and Korra felt forced at the end. A kiss was a bit much... I suppose... with the running and embrace spinning... since it was never built up the whole series... other than one or two episodes and now they're pretty passionate! I didn't like it... and I don't know if I support it. Part of my inability to do so may also be because Mako was a bit of a douche the whole series... With the whole "I'm not sure if I like you, Korra... so imma date Asami but realize I love you and kick her to the corner!"
I felt bad for Asami... and she was a cool character. (but too much make up girl)

Overall... still loved the series. Could've been much more mind blowing. Will look forward to second season :D

Movie Review: The Hunger Games

So of course right after reading the books I had to watch the movie! And I had to say... I should've watched the movie first while I had the chance. I don't know if it was because I was watching it online but the quality was really bad... everything seemed like it was from an old movie and that I was watching The Wizard of Oz when they got to the capitol...

Well probably because I read the books I didn't like it... but they just left out some stuff I was looking forward to (as of most movies when it is based of a book).
I suppose it's because the book is narrated in first person... and in the movie you don't want to do voice overs, so it's not as impacting as you don't know what the characters are thinking, since they are very silent in the movies.

I must say though, the acting wasn't bad... could be better of course. I don't see what all the fuss was about the cast. I liked the cast... Rue was wonderful and Cinna was exactly as I imagined him (except without the beard).

I found myself crying at Rue's death in the movies because of when District 11 held up the three fingers. I got shivers and I stared crying... no idea why... I liked that part but not that much.

Anyways it was good to watch but I don't think I'll watch Catching Fire... unless it's to see Finnick. (That HAWTIE)

Book Review: The Hunger Games

WOW! OK so... I'm Angry At This Book! WTF is with this ending!

Book 1 and 2 were absolutely amazing, I wanted to give up sleep for it! But when I got to book three... I was starting to lose concentration on the fight scene. (not including the fact that I spoiled the ending for myself on wikipedia) But it was really long... and it didn't help with the climax or build up.

The first book was wonderful. I absolutely enjoyed the time at the Capitol, imagining the food and the clothes that Cinna designed and I was so sucked in by the fight scenes that I wanted to know what next. Except I totally was creeped out by the dog mutts that were suppose to look like the dead tributes. The deaths didn't strike me as very tear-jerking, despite how emotional I am... I guess my imagination wasn't in high gear at the moment. I also felt absolutely sorry for poor Peeta (pita chip). I love the boy with the bread and the chemistry between Katniss and Peeta were so great, I loved it.
I was very much disappointed though... since when I first heard about it... Christine told me that one of her kids asked "What did they do in the cave?" and I thought it would be something mature or implying it. And with the lack of but quickly growing chemistry I was looking forward to it... but nothing happened! lol...

Book two was equally wonderful. I love the flirtatious but totally dedicated to their true love character. Finnick!!! I love you so! But you love Annie! So my heart breaks
The need that Katniss and Peeta were dragged into the games once again was tiring... I didn't want to go through the whole thing again, but Finnick made it better I must say. The older victors made it a bit tiring though... I feel bad for saying that.
The chemistry was bad... for reasons I can understand... but Katniss's uncertainty was annoying. In those times you need characters like those in 50 Shades who know what they want... and that's it! They want each other so they're happy now!

Book three I think killed the series. I was already expecting a disappointing or tragic ending... but they don't give a tragic or a happy ending... but a very lukewarm not really special ending... There wasn't even the hopeful ending... I was pretty disappointed with that book, the ending really dwindled and it ruined my impression of the series...
Now I crave another book that is satisfactory... Or maybe I already need another romance novel... but I know my next choices are all going to be either science-fiction or fantasy.... since I got to finish those books!

Book Review: 50 Shades

So it's summer so I tend to try my best to read books and so far it's been going well. But whenever I finish a book a get this feeling to rant and rave about how unsatisfied I am about it... but with no one to talk to about this stuff... I will be ranting and raving here.

50 Shades was an interesting read with lots of romance, drama and pretty much what you expect from a romance series. After reading this, I realized my favorite parts were all the parts where Ana would be on the verge of leaving Christian and lots of drama and angst ensue.

I never liked female leads... for reasons I think other women get as well, such as feeling jealous or just finding them weak. I actually found Ana decent. Being pretty angsty and a drama queen for the right reasons. I mean, wow, despite how handsome, rich, and charming Christian Grey was... he was really f**ed up.
Sexually harassed fifteen year old huh... wow... I wonder what traumatic effects Laurel gets from his relationship.

Other than that it was a good read, and I found myself getting excited for the movie when it was over. But the excitement was short-lived as I thought my excitement over it was a bit shallow. I would still very much like to see the movie though, that will be interesting to see those two passionate lovers.

Many people compared this book to an adult version of Twilight which I have to agree, since in fact, 50 Shades was originally a Twilight fanfiction gone famous. Much like a book I read when I was still a middle school that was also a fanfiction gone famous called Boycotts & Barflies. I'm not sure if I'll revisit this book as I read it when it was still in its 'Twilight' influence phase and some parts might have been changed. (and I completely skipped the smut scene as a "innocent' middle school girl).

 

Overall I wouldn't mind reading another book like that again, except I guess these books require small doses once in a while instead of only reading books like these. I wouldn't mind getting a few recommendations though.

But with the popularity of fanfictions gone famous, I would love to see The Devil's Canvas become a book, but with the homosexual relationship, I high doubt it.

What is happening?

Okay. Well then... life has been flowing smoother lately but some issues has been making me think.

I will refer to some friends as person K and person A.

So...
Why do I feel like lately person K is been trying to wedge back into my life through my hobbies again.
Alright I agree in the past we did have similar hobbies and ideas and interests, but that's all over now... it's weird how she keeps bringing up things I would use to jump on the bandwagon so easily and suggesting things to me again just like old times.
Only difference now is that she doesn't acknowledge my existence outside the internet and cyber means of communication. It's weird... and it almost bothers me a bit too.
Just kind of a "I'm not going to let you use me like this..." thought since you have other friends you LOVE to be with so much.

Another issue was Person A.
She just makes me feel guilty, and I've been so thankful for her for helping me through all these issues I've been having. But I've been informed that she has issues with my personality.
... So... what exactly am I suppose to say to that. I know I have flaws, and I... at the same time... don't want to change.
I've been bending backwards for so long, I like the feeling of just being able to run and not worry about hitting anyone...

Anyways. That's not a huge issue.

But I've been proud of myself lately.
I won the same Art Competition that another classmate had won last year.
We've been invited to a (apparently) fancy dinner in SF and I'm rather excited that my parents will be able to attend.

WHAT SHALL I WEAR? >w<

FUCK... I'm so tired

Right now I'm SO tired. Why can't people understand not to bother me when I'm tired.

I know college stuff is important right now. But I'm still SO tired from work and the whole day's stress. So talk to me about it tomorrow okay?... gawd...

So many things have been such a huge pain right now.

I know I haven't acted like the best person this week due to various issues, but the other people haven't been peachy either.

Some things I'm really tired/annoyed about.
- figuring out the hotel room
- passing my classes
- psych presentations
- karaoke day planning
- freakin' drama everywhere in the school
- and now stupid college

Go away. Leave me alone. I just want to have some fun right now.

Korra Excitement!

My last few posts have been depressed as hell, so I'm going try to lighten up a bit.

I watched the first leaked episode of the Legend of Korra today.

WOW I'm so hyped! Avatar was my childhood loved TV show and got me on this anime and art roll to begin with. It was also the catalyst that started a long friendship that I treasured very much.
Even if the friendship is missing, I won't keep me from loving this new series. I really love every character! Though I must say, I'm not a big fan of the two guys that are suppose to come in... oddly.

ANYWAYS yeah.
I've managed pretty well myself now.
College being on the otherside of the coin, and I'm very close to the edge.

I've gotten past my art block I believe and I did a shaded sketch of a woman and is absolutely proud if it. As you can see the lighting of every toned muscle and bone.

>W< wish me luck in life!

Just Wanted to Talk

I've given up already... on any normal friendship between us.

Of course I still wish for it... but of course... my wish cannot decide everything.

I'm happy that at least she's happier now.
But I've stopped one thing that may start to get in the way of both our happiness.

I've stopped Loraurel until we can talk it out.
I need to talk it out...
I don't want to be hated by her... I really don't. I want to accept each other at least and maybe still stay in contact.

Loraurel is a strong bond, one that will hurt me greatly if it is broken.
Just the thought of this temporary pause is already hurting me... and distracting my thoughts.

I know I've made mistakes... and that I'm also selfish.
I may have gotten a bit too confident in my time this year... and this might have cost me my most important friendship.

I understand that people change... and I don't regret my own change (if I had any). It's time to slowly heal wounds and if possible save what was broken.

I want to continue RPing... I do... I miss it. I won't be able to last long... but we will see.

Kinda Lonely

I'm scared...
to experience tomorrow...

I don't want tomorrow to come.

To go to school without my best friend.
To know that my mom will be leaving that night.
To know that finals will come the next day.
To know that I'll have to be independent at home and school for the days to come...

I'm really scared... and I never felt so alone in my life. But at the same time... I feel like I should be alone...
I thought I made a friend for life... how did things become like this?

I suppose on Friday I was scared... my life felt like it was getting worse the longer I lived it.
I felt like I had no one to turn to...
and and times... I /did/ want to drive off that bridge...
That day, the police came to find me... apparently someone thought I was going to commit suicide.
I cried... not because I was going to commit it... just... if I waited any longer... I probably would've had those thoughts again.

Then that happened late at night... she told me that... and I freaked... I cried so much that day... nonstop bawling. I looked to friends for help... and they tried... but nothing could help the uneasiness I felt that night.
My mom made me feel better... which is why I'm scared now, that she is leaving.

The next day, I felt sick... I continued to cough and my stomach was forever uneasy.
I kept thinking about my best friend... as I walked around SF... thinking about the days when it was the two of us walking around Japantown... I missed her.
I felt cold when I got home... trying to get well from my cold... and scared to talk to her... not knowing what was happening to us.

Suddenly she got mad... I was shocked, I didn't know what to say. I wanted to be calm and talk to her... but she said she was mad... and I was scared.
She was mad that I told people about what happened between us... and I felt guilty. Remembering the day she was mad I talked about Loraurel... when she first told me.

I should've been smarter... and more considerate to have our own little world... without others knowing. I wish I could take it all back... but I can't.
But I felt like there was still stuff only between us... our whole friendship... I think our bond is stronger than to be shaken by this.
but I may be wrong... she might be tired of dealing with me... I'm afraid to see if we can make up, since I don't know what she thinks... I believe she does too... but again, I may be wrong.

I doubt she'll talk to me... ever again. I hope she does... but I'll never know until tomorrow comes... or the next day... or the next.

We were suppose to do a Loraurel Collab during Finals week... I'm not sure if it'll happen now... but once again... I'll have to see...

I miss my best friend... I'll be missing my mother... I'll miss the person I was before...

Maybe I'm being a drama queen... highly possible. We'll have to see how things go.
Only time will tell...

Thank you for listening blogger.
I'll update you again with my rants some other day.

I'm Lost

It's been a while since I last wrote here... and I doubt my friends that use to know this blog are still reading.

But lately I've been through a bit more drama than necessary...

I miss my best friend... who seems pissed at me...

I understand her views... and I regret my actions that had angered her...
but I don't think she'll forgive me...

I miss our old friendship, that I feel we can never return to...

I still love her... and think about her. My eyes and ears are still more sensitive to her movements and actions...

I want to make up with her... but I don't think she'll listen...
I wait for her to talk... but I don't think she'll come...

She says she's tired of being friends with me... and I thought the same at times... but I still miss her...

What am I suppose to do...