The Ugly Me and Dance

Last night I was extremely upset about dance. Perhaps hearing about the flaws of my dancing made me extremely unsatisfied and disappointed in myself. I understand that I'm still relatively new to the scene and that I'm not someone who has a great figure or has a lot of potential. When I compete I'm putting myself out there... to see how much I've improved and to let Taipei see what I'm trying to be capable of, though I know I pale in comparison.

Though this mentality is not new to me... I often get frustrated about my dancing and become negative and question myself. What I'm upset about is the fact that I let this emotion go on someone who has supported me and was proud of me and my accomplishments. Sometimes I know I let critic get the best of me and take it too personally as an attack. I know this is the wrong mentality but I can only change so much of my basic personality. I give myself a lot of pressure and expectations that critic can hurt really bad and I collapse as a result.
I like to hear ways I can improve, but at the same time the flaw are ugly to me. The ugly side of me that I'm trying to hard to overcome. That I've fought against for four years. I see that ugly me in the videos, a part of me I can barely accept and if I can't accept it, then how can anyone else.

I am my worse critic...

I let my negativity get the best of me this morning and last night while talking to someone I care about and I feel horrible. I want to apologize but I don't want to make things worse. That's the problem when I trust someone too much... I want to be negative. Yet, I'm conflicted as I don't want to be a burden.

"Being a burden depends on how long you want to continue adding to the negativity. It all depends on if you want to get out of it and willing to do the work. Then you're not a burden, you're a friend who needs a helping hand," he wrote to me this morning.

I wanted to keep being negative for awhile longer, I wasn't ready to collect myself yet. I wanted to cry and whine more about how frustrated and how upset I was. I wanted to be coddled and loved a little, I wanted the attention. I felt so alone... I feel so alone.

Hell! Screw it! I'm going to be negative just a while longer. This is my blog. I can be as fucking negative as I want. This is what I have this blog for. To scream into a void that only I can hear as the echo comes back to me.
I feel alone in this world. Yes I have the support of people, but I don't want to be a burden, so I push them away. I flip to the part of me that I built to be strong and confident. But the other side is a weak, self-loathing part of me. The one I suppress. The one that hates the ugly me. The despicable me. The me that cannot be happy and doesn't want to be.
I get lectured. "Happiness is something you chose." YES I KNOW. I choose to show and think with the person I built. Can't you see that that is how I've been living the past few years, can't you see that I don't scream into the void of social media. Sometimes I cry for help, but that cry is so ugly that I can't bare for anyone else to hear it and when I do have someone that I cry to... I regret it so much afterwards.

I think I just want to hear the words of support. "No, you're not ugly." "I want to be here, I want you to need me." "You can talk to me, I want to listen." "Let me know more about you..." "I know you can work through this, you've always have."
I tell myself these words constantly. The manipulative part of me will continue to be negative until I hear these words then finally calm down... Though I know in the midst of my negativity, things get worse and I pull away feeling horrible and disgusting.
Damn. Now I'm disgusting. Yes, Tammy. I know.

There's so much I hate about myself, yet I know I will get through it all. I always do... You always do...