The last time I wrote here... I was lovesick and running on the honeymoon phase of my relationship that had just started to blossom, separated before it even started. It's been two months since... and many serious conversations about "us" in between.
Last night I guess I scared myself. He didn't text me and when he did he told me that there had been some emergency and needed to talk to me about it. I understood as in any normal situation I would be fine... but added with a facebook graphic about "being Single"... something just confused me. Did he consider himself single? Not that there's anything wrong with being single, but when you've agreed to be in a mutually exclusive long-term relationship, it kind of stings when you're outwardly portraying yourself as single... when technically you're not.
I've never said I'm still single during the time I've been with Taiwan. I've always admitted that I'm in love and in a long-term relationship. I know it's silly of me to be so concerned with a meer facebook post when I should be more confident in his feelings for me.
The situation was basically what I guessed, as I did see a post about it on the girl's side. His ex, another one of my sempai's that I've admired since my entry into San Jose, has been going through a rough time... I know. She's busy with studies and her mom has gotten terminal cancer. She needs a friend she can count on, and I know that it's going to have to be him. It's not that I don't want him to go, but something inside me just felt upset. Perhaps it's silly... I feel like I'm being silly.
I want to be an understanding girlfriend. Yes, we are two individuals. But perhaps it's the idea that I can't be by his side just upsets me. Maybe I'm paranoid, that even if I know that they're both not planning to get together again... I feel like I'm still working against 7 years of history and memories.
I can't deny that there will be feelings between the two. There will always be. Perhaps it's the insecurity that even if he says that they won't get together and that he wants to move on, I also understand that it's easier said than done, especially since I'm 6000plus miles away. There's trust... yes. I don't even know how to continue that thought.
Regardless I'm lucky to have friends that are willing to hug me as I cry and cut me apples with love. I love them all and I'm so happy with my life here as well. This relation is what gives me the strength to continue on to live, laugh, and love.
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