An Apology

I'm sorry about my negativity today even though I knew you were just trying to help. My apologizing is probably getting really annoying by now, but I don't want to regret not apologizing and messing up a connection important to me just because of my flaws and insecurities. I overestimated my strength and ability to take critic when I know I was never really good at hearing them. I still appreciate your advice and will take into serious consideration while practicing. I value your advice as a better dancer and I will continue to strive to work towards that image that I have for myself. Thank you for your constant support and belief in me... it's something I needed and to my own disappointment, something I took advantage of. Dance is something I won't give up despite my kicking and screaming. I just hope the ugly side of me didn't scare you away. Thank you for listening/reading. I hope I'll be in a better place the next time we talk. 

I need to be less self-loathing sometimes... So let's think of some good things about Tammy.

Tammy,

You've worked so hard already. I know you're still young and a bit of a drama queen, but you've come so far. You have so many people who admire what you've worked hard for and your parents are so proud of what you've become.
You're a girl who's good at planning and love traveling. Someone who makes medium-term goals and works towards it. You work hard to be happy and think about the people around you, wanting to be a happier presence in both aspects: yourself and the people you care about. Your friends trust you with their thoughts and take you seriously. People who don't know you as well respect you for different reasons, you haven't had anyone (or of my knowledge) really hate you or dislike you.
You're working so hard to be the perfect balance of the three pillars of your personality. Helen, Lorelei, and Lorence: Helen's responsibility and elegant, Lorelei's kindness and sensibility,  and Lorence's passion and easy-going attitude.
I'm so proud of you, Tammy and what you've worked so hard to become.
May you continue to strive to be a better person as your 11/11 wish was and another good year is coming.

Lots of love,
Your inner thoughts.

The Ugly Me and Dance

Last night I was extremely upset about dance. Perhaps hearing about the flaws of my dancing made me extremely unsatisfied and disappointed in myself. I understand that I'm still relatively new to the scene and that I'm not someone who has a great figure or has a lot of potential. When I compete I'm putting myself out there... to see how much I've improved and to let Taipei see what I'm trying to be capable of, though I know I pale in comparison.

Though this mentality is not new to me... I often get frustrated about my dancing and become negative and question myself. What I'm upset about is the fact that I let this emotion go on someone who has supported me and was proud of me and my accomplishments. Sometimes I know I let critic get the best of me and take it too personally as an attack. I know this is the wrong mentality but I can only change so much of my basic personality. I give myself a lot of pressure and expectations that critic can hurt really bad and I collapse as a result.
I like to hear ways I can improve, but at the same time the flaw are ugly to me. The ugly side of me that I'm trying to hard to overcome. That I've fought against for four years. I see that ugly me in the videos, a part of me I can barely accept and if I can't accept it, then how can anyone else.

I am my worse critic...

I let my negativity get the best of me this morning and last night while talking to someone I care about and I feel horrible. I want to apologize but I don't want to make things worse. That's the problem when I trust someone too much... I want to be negative. Yet, I'm conflicted as I don't want to be a burden.

"Being a burden depends on how long you want to continue adding to the negativity. It all depends on if you want to get out of it and willing to do the work. Then you're not a burden, you're a friend who needs a helping hand," he wrote to me this morning.

I wanted to keep being negative for awhile longer, I wasn't ready to collect myself yet. I wanted to cry and whine more about how frustrated and how upset I was. I wanted to be coddled and loved a little, I wanted the attention. I felt so alone... I feel so alone.

Hell! Screw it! I'm going to be negative just a while longer. This is my blog. I can be as fucking negative as I want. This is what I have this blog for. To scream into a void that only I can hear as the echo comes back to me.
I feel alone in this world. Yes I have the support of people, but I don't want to be a burden, so I push them away. I flip to the part of me that I built to be strong and confident. But the other side is a weak, self-loathing part of me. The one I suppress. The one that hates the ugly me. The despicable me. The me that cannot be happy and doesn't want to be.
I get lectured. "Happiness is something you chose." YES I KNOW. I choose to show and think with the person I built. Can't you see that that is how I've been living the past few years, can't you see that I don't scream into the void of social media. Sometimes I cry for help, but that cry is so ugly that I can't bare for anyone else to hear it and when I do have someone that I cry to... I regret it so much afterwards.

I think I just want to hear the words of support. "No, you're not ugly." "I want to be here, I want you to need me." "You can talk to me, I want to listen." "Let me know more about you..." "I know you can work through this, you've always have."
I tell myself these words constantly. The manipulative part of me will continue to be negative until I hear these words then finally calm down... Though I know in the midst of my negativity, things get worse and I pull away feeling horrible and disgusting.
Damn. Now I'm disgusting. Yes, Tammy. I know.

There's so much I hate about myself, yet I know I will get through it all. I always do... You always do...

Single but Hopeful, Right?

I thought about a lot of things related to my relationship with my sempai. I love him, and I only want the best for him. I understand he has a lot going on in his life, stuff that I just can't help with. The past weekend I considered if this relationship was the best for him and me at this point in my life. For him, he is busy and cannot always give me the time I'd like to have with him. As a response to that, I start feeling insecure and question myself and my worth even though I'd already worked so hard to be happy with who I currently am and what I've done to be happy.

To me a relationship, a title of being "boyfriend and girlfriend" is just an agreement to be dedicated and to meet the standards of meeting/talking a certain amount of time, etc. (plus the physical affection)
Long distance was always a touchy and difficult subject for me. I was always very open to making things work, but the distance between already takes away the physical aspect and if life happens and the time to talk with each other is also difficult to have, then both standards of a relationship are not reached.

He is worth it. I'm in love with him and I still want him to find his happiness.

This morning, I brought up the break up, but after talking to my friends about it, I worry that I may have done damage beyond repair for bringing it up. It's not that I want to break up with him, I just don't feel like we're fulfilling the needs of being in a relationship. Once he's ready, I'm happy to return to this relationship and make things work, but I worry if he feels like I've given up on him, when I haven't! I still want to be here for him, I just don't want to expect things in a relationship when he can't give that to me in his current state and I don't want him to feel like he's hurting me because of this relationship.

I want to be hopeful. That we'll just remain friends and that in a sense he'll work on himself while having me in mind. And for me... I hope that we will try again, the right way this time and enhance each other's lives as a relationship should do.

It's Worth It... Right?

The last time I wrote here... I was lovesick and running on the honeymoon phase of my relationship that had just started to blossom, separated before it even started. It's been two months since... and many serious conversations about "us" in between.
Last night I guess I scared myself. He didn't text me and when he did he told me that there had been some emergency and needed to talk to me about it. I understood as in any normal situation I would be fine... but added with a facebook graphic about "being Single"... something just confused me. Did he consider himself single? Not that there's anything wrong with being single, but when you've agreed to be in a mutually exclusive long-term relationship, it kind of stings when you're outwardly portraying yourself as single... when technically you're not.
I've never said I'm still single during the time I've been with Taiwan. I've always admitted that I'm in love and in a long-term relationship. I know it's silly of me to be so concerned with a meer facebook post when I should be more confident in his feelings for me.

The situation was basically what I guessed, as I did see a post about it on the girl's side. His ex, another one of my sempai's that I've admired since my entry into San Jose, has been going through a rough time... I know. She's busy with studies and her mom has gotten terminal cancer. She needs a friend she can count on, and I know that it's going to have to be him. It's not that I don't want him to go, but something inside me just felt upset. Perhaps it's silly... I feel like I'm being silly.

I want to be an understanding girlfriend. Yes, we are two individuals. But perhaps it's the idea that I can't be by his side just upsets me. Maybe I'm paranoid, that even if I know that they're both not planning to get together again... I feel like I'm still working against 7 years of history and memories.
I can't deny that there will be feelings between the two. There will always be. Perhaps it's the insecurity that even if he says that they won't get together and that he wants to move on, I also understand that it's easier said than done, especially since I'm 6000plus miles away. There's trust... yes. I don't even know how to continue that thought.

Regardless I'm lucky to have friends that are willing to hug me as I cry and cut me apples with love. I love them all and I'm so happy with my life here as well. This relation is what gives me the strength to continue on to live, laugh, and love.