An Apology

I'm sorry about my negativity today even though I knew you were just trying to help. My apologizing is probably getting really annoying by now, but I don't want to regret not apologizing and messing up a connection important to me just because of my flaws and insecurities. I overestimated my strength and ability to take critic when I know I was never really good at hearing them. I still appreciate your advice and will take into serious consideration while practicing. I value your advice as a better dancer and I will continue to strive to work towards that image that I have for myself. Thank you for your constant support and belief in me... it's something I needed and to my own disappointment, something I took advantage of. Dance is something I won't give up despite my kicking and screaming. I just hope the ugly side of me didn't scare you away. Thank you for listening/reading. I hope I'll be in a better place the next time we talk. 

I need to be less self-loathing sometimes... So let's think of some good things about Tammy.

Tammy,

You've worked so hard already. I know you're still young and a bit of a drama queen, but you've come so far. You have so many people who admire what you've worked hard for and your parents are so proud of what you've become.
You're a girl who's good at planning and love traveling. Someone who makes medium-term goals and works towards it. You work hard to be happy and think about the people around you, wanting to be a happier presence in both aspects: yourself and the people you care about. Your friends trust you with their thoughts and take you seriously. People who don't know you as well respect you for different reasons, you haven't had anyone (or of my knowledge) really hate you or dislike you.
You're working so hard to be the perfect balance of the three pillars of your personality. Helen, Lorelei, and Lorence: Helen's responsibility and elegant, Lorelei's kindness and sensibility,  and Lorence's passion and easy-going attitude.
I'm so proud of you, Tammy and what you've worked so hard to become.
May you continue to strive to be a better person as your 11/11 wish was and another good year is coming.

Lots of love,
Your inner thoughts.

The Ugly Me and Dance

Last night I was extremely upset about dance. Perhaps hearing about the flaws of my dancing made me extremely unsatisfied and disappointed in myself. I understand that I'm still relatively new to the scene and that I'm not someone who has a great figure or has a lot of potential. When I compete I'm putting myself out there... to see how much I've improved and to let Taipei see what I'm trying to be capable of, though I know I pale in comparison.

Though this mentality is not new to me... I often get frustrated about my dancing and become negative and question myself. What I'm upset about is the fact that I let this emotion go on someone who has supported me and was proud of me and my accomplishments. Sometimes I know I let critic get the best of me and take it too personally as an attack. I know this is the wrong mentality but I can only change so much of my basic personality. I give myself a lot of pressure and expectations that critic can hurt really bad and I collapse as a result.
I like to hear ways I can improve, but at the same time the flaw are ugly to me. The ugly side of me that I'm trying to hard to overcome. That I've fought against for four years. I see that ugly me in the videos, a part of me I can barely accept and if I can't accept it, then how can anyone else.

I am my worse critic...

I let my negativity get the best of me this morning and last night while talking to someone I care about and I feel horrible. I want to apologize but I don't want to make things worse. That's the problem when I trust someone too much... I want to be negative. Yet, I'm conflicted as I don't want to be a burden.

"Being a burden depends on how long you want to continue adding to the negativity. It all depends on if you want to get out of it and willing to do the work. Then you're not a burden, you're a friend who needs a helping hand," he wrote to me this morning.

I wanted to keep being negative for awhile longer, I wasn't ready to collect myself yet. I wanted to cry and whine more about how frustrated and how upset I was. I wanted to be coddled and loved a little, I wanted the attention. I felt so alone... I feel so alone.

Hell! Screw it! I'm going to be negative just a while longer. This is my blog. I can be as fucking negative as I want. This is what I have this blog for. To scream into a void that only I can hear as the echo comes back to me.
I feel alone in this world. Yes I have the support of people, but I don't want to be a burden, so I push them away. I flip to the part of me that I built to be strong and confident. But the other side is a weak, self-loathing part of me. The one I suppress. The one that hates the ugly me. The despicable me. The me that cannot be happy and doesn't want to be.
I get lectured. "Happiness is something you chose." YES I KNOW. I choose to show and think with the person I built. Can't you see that that is how I've been living the past few years, can't you see that I don't scream into the void of social media. Sometimes I cry for help, but that cry is so ugly that I can't bare for anyone else to hear it and when I do have someone that I cry to... I regret it so much afterwards.

I think I just want to hear the words of support. "No, you're not ugly." "I want to be here, I want you to need me." "You can talk to me, I want to listen." "Let me know more about you..." "I know you can work through this, you've always have."
I tell myself these words constantly. The manipulative part of me will continue to be negative until I hear these words then finally calm down... Though I know in the midst of my negativity, things get worse and I pull away feeling horrible and disgusting.
Damn. Now I'm disgusting. Yes, Tammy. I know.

There's so much I hate about myself, yet I know I will get through it all. I always do... You always do...

Single but Hopeful, Right?

I thought about a lot of things related to my relationship with my sempai. I love him, and I only want the best for him. I understand he has a lot going on in his life, stuff that I just can't help with. The past weekend I considered if this relationship was the best for him and me at this point in my life. For him, he is busy and cannot always give me the time I'd like to have with him. As a response to that, I start feeling insecure and question myself and my worth even though I'd already worked so hard to be happy with who I currently am and what I've done to be happy.

To me a relationship, a title of being "boyfriend and girlfriend" is just an agreement to be dedicated and to meet the standards of meeting/talking a certain amount of time, etc. (plus the physical affection)
Long distance was always a touchy and difficult subject for me. I was always very open to making things work, but the distance between already takes away the physical aspect and if life happens and the time to talk with each other is also difficult to have, then both standards of a relationship are not reached.

He is worth it. I'm in love with him and I still want him to find his happiness.

This morning, I brought up the break up, but after talking to my friends about it, I worry that I may have done damage beyond repair for bringing it up. It's not that I want to break up with him, I just don't feel like we're fulfilling the needs of being in a relationship. Once he's ready, I'm happy to return to this relationship and make things work, but I worry if he feels like I've given up on him, when I haven't! I still want to be here for him, I just don't want to expect things in a relationship when he can't give that to me in his current state and I don't want him to feel like he's hurting me because of this relationship.

I want to be hopeful. That we'll just remain friends and that in a sense he'll work on himself while having me in mind. And for me... I hope that we will try again, the right way this time and enhance each other's lives as a relationship should do.

It's Worth It... Right?

The last time I wrote here... I was lovesick and running on the honeymoon phase of my relationship that had just started to blossom, separated before it even started. It's been two months since... and many serious conversations about "us" in between.
Last night I guess I scared myself. He didn't text me and when he did he told me that there had been some emergency and needed to talk to me about it. I understood as in any normal situation I would be fine... but added with a facebook graphic about "being Single"... something just confused me. Did he consider himself single? Not that there's anything wrong with being single, but when you've agreed to be in a mutually exclusive long-term relationship, it kind of stings when you're outwardly portraying yourself as single... when technically you're not.
I've never said I'm still single during the time I've been with Taiwan. I've always admitted that I'm in love and in a long-term relationship. I know it's silly of me to be so concerned with a meer facebook post when I should be more confident in his feelings for me.

The situation was basically what I guessed, as I did see a post about it on the girl's side. His ex, another one of my sempai's that I've admired since my entry into San Jose, has been going through a rough time... I know. She's busy with studies and her mom has gotten terminal cancer. She needs a friend she can count on, and I know that it's going to have to be him. It's not that I don't want him to go, but something inside me just felt upset. Perhaps it's silly... I feel like I'm being silly.

I want to be an understanding girlfriend. Yes, we are two individuals. But perhaps it's the idea that I can't be by his side just upsets me. Maybe I'm paranoid, that even if I know that they're both not planning to get together again... I feel like I'm still working against 7 years of history and memories.
I can't deny that there will be feelings between the two. There will always be. Perhaps it's the insecurity that even if he says that they won't get together and that he wants to move on, I also understand that it's easier said than done, especially since I'm 6000plus miles away. There's trust... yes. I don't even know how to continue that thought.

Regardless I'm lucky to have friends that are willing to hug me as I cry and cut me apples with love. I love them all and I'm so happy with my life here as well. This relation is what gives me the strength to continue on to live, laugh, and love.

The Start of Seeing the Distance

Dear Blogger,

So much has happened to me emotionally since I last written to you. I'm basically in love... and I can't tell if these are my own emotions or just a response to the other person's.

I went on a date with my sempai to Santa Cruz, originally with the intentions of just being friends going on a trip together. It wasn't ideal in weather. It was comfortable. It was almost romantic. At the time we resisted getting caught up in any romance. It was until we were in the jacuzzi/spa when things got heated up. We couldn't resist our first kiss and I didn't refuse it. My body wanted it, although my head told me to stop, I gave in.

Since then we've talked about a relationship, become more intimate. Very intimate. He became the guy I chose. I wanted him to be my first. I was so comfortable with him, every time I was with him, I didn't have to try so hard. I could be honest about my feelings and talk to him about anything. There was an unspoken trust between us. Our personalities, I felt, matched so well. We had so many common interest yet we were interesting to each other. We supported each other to become the best person we could possibly be, wanting to be a plus one...

He was honest with me, still being a bit upset about his last break up. It made me a bit sad, though reminded me that my going to Taiwan was probably going to be tough but also very necessary. The people around us, although don't quite know the truth about us yet, are supportive of our connection. (Apparently I'm nice enough of a girl or at least he describes me well)

Yesterday was the official last day we would be together physically. We enjoyed a very loving day of walking around Livermore Downtown. Driving around as I was in the passenger seat of his car. Having lunch together. Talking about the possibilities of me coming back to the US after my graduation. Going back to his place to watch some of the videos from my showcase at NTNU. Him genuinely being interested in the work I put into the NTNUBDC. It was nice that someone I cared about also appreciated it.
We were intimate and went to bed, talking some more. Suddenly he dropped a bomb on me and said that he was in love me... That moment I believe the emotions that I bottled up within me started to swell and I started to sob. I felt happy, but because he said those words, I was so sad about leaving. And I realized how much I was going to miss him. Not being able to see him in the mornings, visiting or seeing each other after work, dancing with him, just hanging out together. It was going to be less easy and before anything could really start and flourish between us, there needed to be a ten month hiatus.

He tells me that I'm worth the wait... and I tell him that I chose to be with him, that I'm serious about the potential between us. Even now I think about not being able to see him in person and I feel a bit glum and my eyes start to sting. But I'm also excited about the potential of returning and being with him, perhaps even sooner if he comes to Asia.
My heart feels a bit heavy. A mix between happiness, love, and sadness.

What do I like about him? I ask myself. So much... though on the spot I wouldn't really know. So I wanted to write it out here blogger. Well first I've always admired him. Any attention he gave me four years was just exciting for me. He is a great dancer in both latin and standard, I aspire to be the same. I admire his hard work, how much he craves different experiences and already has so many experiences in life already. I like how he's nerdy enough and that we can be nerdy together, although we appreciate different things and talents, I want to be interested in what he is interested in, though we don't need to like the exact same things. He's that tall and handsome. I admit I'll show a picture to a friend and I'll admit that he's not super hot, but to me I find myself admiring him. I love seeing him in white and I can feel the muscle he's gained from dancing and working out. I love that we can connect emotionally and understand each other, we can talk about anything. He loves travel and strives for the cool experiences that I would want to join in on despite having traveled so much with my parents. Being with him makes me want to explore new places and try new things to become more well-rounded as a person. He also respects me and my decisions, the that's most important trait of all. He is that gentleman that doesn't try too hard yet impresses me but also that goofball that makes me laugh.

I think I'm in love... though not enough to admit it out loud. I'm really going to miss him, though I understand this separation could only make us stronger or just tell us if this is really worth it and I really hope it is.

Timing has Always been My Worse Enemy

So recently the topic of my love life has some into play again and it's been a small thing on my mind.

Let's say my summer has resulted in three guys in my life so far... all three putting me in a strange situation in my mind. I was still sane a few moments ago until I randomly decided to click on an "ex"s profile. That one month ended without much, though for some reason my breathing picked up and I felt myself sigh heavily despite having two other guys in my life I'm still dealing with already.

So it looks like that guy found a girlfriend. One side of me is happy for him (the larger part) though a small inkling within suddenly felt an anxiety and a bit of a sadness. "Forget it" I tell myself, though it doesn't stop my mind from wandering.
That one year is such an ache in my side that I'm feeling a bit down about suddenly. I feel like it's keeping me from so much potential in my life now... though I understand that I'm just not there yet... I'll be fine though, it's just this small moment that I'd like to find someone to talk to... although not really talk to anyone about this.

Another guy I'm dating just because I enjoy conversation with him and he makes me feel good about myself... There's a bit of a "bad boy" vibe about him that's not too overwhelming that I enjoy tapping. Something makes me feel like he's trying to find a way to corrupt me... and takes great pleasure in being the person to do that.
Last Friday I tried to break it off with him as a result... although he gave me no reason to... and somehow makes me even like him more. I can't see myself being in a relationship with him and I wanted to break it off before either of us get too invested... though he won't let me. Such a strange situation.

The last would be my sempai, who recently I've been using a "sempai finally noticed me" joke. But in a way it's true. I've always liked him and have always been grateful for the fact that he was the only one who really noticed me during my time as "the ugly duckling". Though I'd canceled out all possible ideas of a relationship because he had a girlfriend. This summer, he tells me that he and that girlfriend have broken up and now the attention has been centered on me these past few weeks. It confuses me just a little while I do what I can to stand my ground.
I feel like he's never had an issue finding girls, but now is a good chance for him to learn to be single. A part of me wants to take the chance and be the rebound girl, what if this one year he finds another girl and I'll never get my chance with him... I'm afraid of this as it just means that one of my life decisions resulted in another sacrifice.

I never want to be the reason to hold someone back on doing something they want to do... but I also don't want to feel like I keep losing chances due to timing. It makes me feel a bit down and I just want to talk to someone about it...

A relationship happens when the right person and the right timing finally aligns itself. Then it's really meant to be...

Timing has always been my worse enemy...

The Love Around Me

Hi Blogger,

Thank you for always being an outlet for me... for my stress to come out and a place I can type out my thoughts without judgement and fear.
I've been officially back in the US this summer for one month and had a short but sweet summer fling. I'm not going to go into that much detail about this fling, but it just made me appreciate the people around me all the more.
My heart was opened a bit prematurely, different from what I would usually do in any situation and I gained an interesting experience as well as a successful failed experimentation. I admit that I saw the red flags, and something in the back of my mind continued to warn me as I saw the break up coming the moment it was brought up. I gotta say though, I think my intuition is amazing!

But I have to thank my friends and my family (my mother). On my list on my profile, number one will always be my friends and family. They are who taught me how to be single, to not crave a romantic relationship in my life.
My tutor once told me, a romantic relationship is basically a best friend with the physical aspect. These words continue to ring true in my head. My friendships can hurt me just as deeply.
I'm glad that things ended before I went in deeper, although feeling a bit unwanted, I still have my friends to lay back on. This is why I always say, my friends come first, because they supported me when I was single, why would I abandon them for someone who could abandon me at any time?

I believe I'm living a healthy life... and I'm not in a rush for anything. I'll continue to grow to be a person I can be proud of.

Movie Review: Zootopia

Growing up as a fan of animation, I try to get around to watching films from Disney and Dreamworks whenever I can, often leaving the summer releases to outings with my friends. I've never specifically watched a movie just for the sake of the movie.
Two days ago I had some free time and wanted to watch a movie in the UK at least once and there was also a movie on my mind: Zootopia. The experience physically was unique as I specifically woke up early to catch the first screening. It was a very nice movie theater and no one was there. Just me. At first I was a bit nervous about being the only person in the room, but once the movie started I got sucked in and it didn't really matter anymore.
I was already previously hyped about the movie being good and I had accidentally slightly spoiled it for myself watching youtube videos, but it was still a movie I greatly enjoyed.
I was fangirling days after watching it and hungry for more Zootopia, trying to get myself to think more clearly about what I thought about the movie or if I could think of anything that I didn't like about it. Two days after and now typing and reflecting the movie. I think Zootopia may have taken Lion King off the number 1.

I love Zootopia. The animation was amazing, the layout and concept art was beautiful, the story had so many layers to it, and the characters were so loveable. It was a movie I throughly enjoyed and have a very high re-watch-ability for me.

Returning to my room I found myself already wanting to make fanart just for myself. This was rarely the case that I'd want to make fan art. And I couldn't keep myself from shipping the two main characters. (Furries, now Interspecies much?)
I'm feeling pretty obsessed.

My only issue with the movie probably would've been thinking it was too short. There was much of the story I felt like could've developed itself more. Judy's fall and return I thought went a bit too quickly as she'd already returned before she'd even fallen that much.

I love Zootopia. And I think because it wasn't too overhyped, the movie will have more longevity with me. Looking forward to getting a bit of merchandise or getting more fan art done based on Zootopia as it has made it in my heart and usurped the former champion.

How I Became an Ugly Duckling to a Virgin by Choice

I want to talk about my journeys...

So to be honest... I think I've went through a transformation during my time in university, striving to become a better person, etc. And I want to document my thought process for the older me to look at if I ever lost my way or is feeling upset.

I remember back when I got in high school, I thought. I'm going to lose my virginity by the time I graduate! I gotta. Just like in the movies and stories and manga, etc. That's what I thought, until senior year approached and I started to tell myself: College is the time to experiment and have fun!

It was when I got into college I came up with my first requirement: I wanted a boyfriend who cared about me and who I cared for as well. Simple enough right?
Going along the first year... and the second first year... I began to thought. Perhaps this isn't as easy as I thought...

Admittedly, back in high school I was the ugly, fat girl of the group. And I still was that awkward duckling when I got into university. But I soon found out that I wanted to change. I learned about make up and researched fashion. It helped, but fashion didn't work. I always thought my clothing choices weren't that hideous. I learned to use make up, but it was a pain in the ass...

My second year of college in Taiwan, I became more urgent for some reason, starting to get into beauty and having lost quite some weight, I felt more and more confident about my body as well as the refining of my personality that I've been doing since high school. I became the person I've dreamt of, the "Helen" I'd always wanted to be, or strived towards it at least.
Eventually I hesitantly found my first boyfriend. I thought it was going to be great. I cared for him, a lot... and I knew he was in /love/ with me. Things were going to be perfect. I would finally make my sexual debute and be free of the confines I named as virginity. I learned to enjoy make up in a daily sense. But when things were close to happening... he was unexperienced and so was I. I couldn't. I didn't really want to. Sexual acts were a pain in the ass for me although I did enjoy it, anything more was pretty off limits.
Eventually after a talk with my mother, I realized that I didn't see him as boyfriend material, I never felt for him. I didn't find him worthy of me. With that, returning to school to have a gradual end to the relationship. By then I'd come to terms that beauty was for me. The clothes I bought were for me to feel good. The make up I put on was because I wanted to look sharper that day. This mindset helped me.

I started playing around, meeting new guys through dating apps. It was fun, as I made friends and I was satisfied with my single life as I was too busy to be tied down anyways. I was exchanging across the globe and returning to the US when I graduated. Any relationships in Taiwan wouldn't/couldn't be serious.
On a particularly lonely night, I started talking to a guy. Taiwanese-American in Taiwan for a couple of weeks. He was interested in me and made a suggestion. I was tempted then, thinking, if it didn't work out with a boyfriend, then it doesn't really matter right? I need to be free from these shackles.

Eventually I talked to him about my virginity. He was also very interested in the prospects of being my first guy. I was tempted, I was confused, later talked more sense into. With the advice of the important people in my life, I could think things more clearly.
"If you didn't respect your first time, how can the right one respect your body?" my mother told me as I told her about my temptations.
I still wanted to talk to him though. He had so much experience and was willing to tell me all of it without any strings attached. I might as well do my research. As I talked to him, I learned about the guy's perspective on human courtship and eventually came to understand.
"What do you think about a girl being a virgin?"
"...it's an honor, not a requirement..."
The words rung within my head as I understood what I wanted. The more I thought about it the more sense it made.

That's when I became a virgin by choice. I was no longer tied down by these shackles because I've been using the wrong key the whole time. The key wasn't sex, because what bound me was not virginity it was social pressure. The vision of the attractive female from the media blinded me of what was important and what I really wanted.

I want to find someone I love and trust. Someone I think deserves the honor of my first time. My virginity is not something that chained me down but something that empowers me in a way that other girls don't always have. I didn't need to fit in that social norm, because I am the person I want to be and I will continue to write that story of my life that I can be proud of.

{disclaimer: I would like to say that my views of sex and virginity is in no way of trying to offend anyone. This is just a record of my thought process and how I came to terms with what I wanted out of life. All are just opinions of mine should not be reflected on anyone else.}