Unexpected Tears

Today, I left team practice early for one reason... I couldn't stop crying.

I had a busy day, waking up a 9 o'clock and going to three different supermarkets to buy ingredients, then getting up to prepare everything and realizing that I couldn't make the sushi I wanted to make as nice as I could...
So my mother came home and she helped make it as I prepared the ingredients. They turned out delicious.

I packed all my stuff quickly and left the house, wishing that I could stay with my mother more. I really wanted to hug her and thank her for all her work. But I left, and went to school immediately. I was 40 minutes late and they were already close to the end of ballroom dance.

I still tried to figure out the moves as fast as I could, asking people left and right and watching people I thought that would've got it.
I still didn't understand it, so I asked one of the girls that were very talented and dance, and she couldn't help me either. So I went straight to the coach, asking him to led me. He helped me halfway before completely just leaving me alone because the lesson was over, and I felt like he half-assed the job in teaching me. But I suppose that was also my fault for being late... but I was really trying...

So during the break I was a bit angered that I was so close to getting the move down, but I just couldn't get the second part. I was rather irritated with the coach too and suddenly I felt myself tear up. I really didn't want to... but I soon started to feel my tears gather and I went into the room to let it out a little. Before I knew it, I was sobbing and couldn't hold back the tears that were rolling down my face.

By the time I stopped myself, I could see that my nose was read and eyes were puffy and with further frustration I went into the room again in hopes to cool down. There I returned to think about why the fuck I decided to start crying and I honestly couldn't come up with a good reason.

Eventually the former prez (who was a really nice guy) found me and asked me what was wrong and the waterworks returned. I was so frustrated as I was just cooling down and suddenly I couldn't stop crying again. He asked me what I was upset about and I honestly couldn't get a good answer, just saying that I was frustrated with the whole move.
He said the usual things one would say, telling me that it was normal. If I was frustrated it just meant that I cared a lot and etc etc. Which I already knew...
He wanted me to go outside and I refused too. I didn't want people to know I was crying since I honestly had no good reason to be doing so. So I told him I wanted to stay in the room.

He left and brought back some towels as well as bring the girl that I asked to help me earlier, to talk to me. Trying to find something to say, I just said some not very good reasons to be upset... and her words didn't exactly help either since they were all things I knew already.
I really just didn't know why I was so upset!
I told her I really wanted to be alone... and she left too, allowing me to cool down in the room again.

Pondering in the room, I decided to go home, since I was obviously missing too much of the lesson to dance again and I just didn't want to be there anymore. I got up, changed my shoes, and left. Letting the former president guy know that I was leaving. (since he was closest to the door)
He tried to comfort me, telling me to call him if I needed to and I nodded, voice cracking as I felt the tears returned and quickly left.
I walked to the parking lot near tears and got into the car, letting myself choke up again and drive home, telling myself that I really didn't know why I was crying.

I got home and started to search online for reasons why I would suddenly start crying and why I reacted the way I did, unable to pull myself together.

So I had a bit of a sad day today... I hope it won't ruin myself for tomorrow. I really am happy for those competing and I'm super excited to take their picture and having them enjoy snacks.

I pray it'll be a good day tomorrow. Be happy Tammy and stay strong.

F... U...

I should be sleeping right now... I shouldn't be mad right now, BUT I FUCKING AM...

Let's just call her L.

So I know we're not the friends we use to be, but we've decide to continue this arrangement and mutually agree that it's important to both of us.
NO, YOU CAN NOT HAVE A REAL LIFE IF YOU NEED THIS. IF YOU HAVE A LIFE YOU DON'T NEED IT. SO JUST ADMIT YOU HAVE A FUCKING LIFE ALREADY, I CAN FORGIVE YOU FOR THAT.

I'm insane right now, I know. This is a build up! Here I am ignorantly replying as soon as I can, even when I'm busy. I always check my phone and reply soon after. Whether it's when I'm doing a project with someone or in the middle of break between and during classes.
I go through a lot of shit to make sure this experience is fun for you, and you're only into feeling self fulfilled.
Why am I still bending backwards for you??

Perhaps I'm mad at myself... Or I just want to get away from some stress I'm going through for this. BUT YOU WON'T GIVE IT TO ME.

No, I'm not going to end this little arrangement, but believe me, I will rant and bitch about it the whole way through.

I let you have weekends to have a real life, and get drunk, and text me while you're fucking drunk. So I'd at least think you'd give me your weekdays, between classes or something. But no, I see you're too busy having a life!

You're probably going to never reply with that long ass text I sent you and the smaller ones I use to bitch. I'll be even more mad, but whatever, that just shows me how little you care.

I hope you'll try to prove yourself for the rest of the week but I highly doubt it. You're still the same person I knew you as, though perhaps even more indifferent.

The Confessions Page

So, Facebook recently got a new San Jose State University Confessions page and I've been rather hooked. I really learn interesting things about college live that I don't think I will every experience.

A small list

• Teachers will give As when you f*** them... (some teachers being 50+ yrs)
• Students can get in a relationship with Teachers
• Lot of Sluts on Campus....
• Gross things that happen on campus that is nice to know for future reference
• To know that there are still nice girls and guys that are like me 
• Commuting does suck a**
• Lot of love confessions going on...
• ETC ETC ETC...

Yeah... I feel like I want to write a confession, just not a really serious one since I'd never put myself out there.


Anyways. Few interesting things today.

My art professor used my drawing as an example. I think that's because he thinks my work is good? :D
But I try not to get too self absorbed in that class, I can learn a lot :D