Walking Out of the Shadow

The last few days have been a roller coaster in my relationship, but I feel like I’ve come to an interesting conclusion that I would like to document here and be able to read over and remind myself. 

This may make very little sense when you read back on this… but I think this is important to know. 

I have gotten over my inferiority complex. Maybe this black and white is for the better. 

I was told that she had been asking about me and it raised an eyebrow. As… I always thought she didn’t give a rats ass about how I was or what I was doing. And I realized why… because… the fact that he continued to contact her meant that it didn’t matter if I was there or not. She was still his priority. 

Finally… when he decided to swallow the pill, to take the ultimatum, to choose her or me and he made his decision. Then, the scales tipped in my favor. As he showed me that despite what they had, the history, the trust, I was more important to him now. He trusts me more and he wanted a future with me than a held on future with her. 

It was very interesting and almost empowering knowing this. I knew already, yes. But know I’ve let the idea sit… I’ve realized this. I’d talked to my mother today as well. 

She had seen me as inferior to her and I saw it too. There was a reason for it! I was not wrong for feeling this inferiority and as a friend said. There was a reason why I felt like this!! He did not do anything to make me feel better until he finally prioritized me. 

At first I did not like this black and white result, but the more I think about it I think it was needed. Perhaps this really was necessary, perhaps this really did need to happen for us to continue dating, and yes we had made it obvious that we both wanted to make things work. He was willing to change and I was willing to deal with this shit. 

He wants me… that’s what I wanted to hear to keep going, needed to see, and needed to understand. Unfortunately this is how he had to do it, but it confirmed it. 

A few interesting questions that I will never ask but will continue to be curious about: 

During the conversations, who was the one who always initiated? And what were the contents of your conversations? Why did you have to talk so much that it was to a daily basis? 

I may never know… and frankly, it might be better if I didn’t know for now. Although I do agree that knowing this will uncover even more of the truth. 

I am happy and thankful that we’ve figured this out… that I’ve figured this out. We have both escaped from this shadow that he’d put me and I’d put him… and we’re ready to walk out towards our future together hand-and-hand and focus on us with the distractions from the past.