I had thought I could be loved...

I like to believe that I do not lack love in my life. I have a loving family and friends that care about me. The connections I made over my life are still with me, and even if we're all busy, we do genuinely want to find some time to catch up with each other.
Last summer I had let someone in my life in a romantic sense. I'd been a cynic of romantic love, not believing it real, realizing that it's not the end all be all. But someone made me feel like I could be part of his world and an important part and I could do the same.

Through this one and a half year of this relationship, I've only had one real issue that had bothered me was the involvement of his ex-gf constantly hanging over our relationship. Our relationship started on the cusp of it ending followed by my impression linger of him started being in a happy relationship and partnership with this girl. As I buried the slight crush I had on him and shamed myself for feeling anything for him for the past 4 years.
I'll be the first to admit that it's 100% my fault for being so unable to look past their past relationship. Although I've consulted many friends telling me that I am not wrong for being so upset or care so much regarding this and that I have all the right to be insecure and upset and that it's his responsibility to reassure me.

Last week we both did something that violated the trust we'd always had in our relationship. I looked through his messages to see if he'd kept his promises or continued to consider me and he broke the trust after meeting up and has been talking with his ex without telling me.
Just a disclaimer, I don't mind that they talk... what I'm more upset about is the fact that he knows that it makes me insecure, it upsets me, and still continues to keep in contact with her.

We'd fought about it during Berkeley. He asked me to help him text someone and I see them messaging again after we'd fought about it previously. That night, I was on the verge of yelling at him, although minimizing my voice as it was late and his dad was sleeping. I was furious that day, tore between wanting to work things out and wanting to take an uber back home. Out of frustration, I'd irritatedly snapped. "Okay, you know what. Go contact her, add her back on every social media site! See if I care, I'm so tired of having a relationship in her shadow"

This anger had built up. We're both tired of this... but after so many strikes, I found it harder to forgive him...
December, Strike 1: Thinking of inviting her over to his family dinner
January Strike 2: Reminiscing about the past, although telling me how great she is/was to him
January Strike 3: Messages from her even after we've established that they won't keep contact
February Strike 4: Telling me how much she still means to him
March Strike 5: Continuing to message her and meeting her without the intention of telling me

Although I said that... part of me hoped that he could sense how upset I was and he wouldn't do it. It's my flaw for thinking that he could sense my real emotions. The next time I find out something, he'd met up with her and had intended not to tell me.
The first steps of cheating...

I was furious. I was pretty much done. I'd lost my trust for him. I cried. My heart ached and pulsed in my head. I didn't know whether to keep it in and pretend nothing happened or talk to him about it and try to keep communication open between us.
I knew his reasons... doesn't mean I was happy with it.

That night he impulsively came over, basically trying to beg for my forgiveness. And when he was in front of me, I let the anger manifest.

If you care about her, if you need her so much, go f***ing date her! Why the f*** are you dating me?...
It feels like you can't get over her, that you need her in your life. That I'm just a piece in this game you two are playing with each other.  Stop playing with my heart! I don't want to deal with this either but you refuse to let her go. Yes I'm insecure about her... shouldn't my feelings matter more to you? Well obviously you've made it clear that you need her more than you care about how I feel. GO TO HER THEN. I just thought I could be loved for once and I've tried to be a good girlfriend and only to get this treatment.... [a boyfriend who won't let go of his ex-girlfriend and making it harder and harder to depend on him]

As I stomped off and tried not to scream at him, he'd finally realized how much he'd hurt me, how much he'd stepped over his lines. How selfish he was for not considering me in this aspect.
For being inconsiderate of the one insecurity in our relationship I had and he, afraid of losing me, cried and begged me to forgive him and to allow him the chance to undo his wrongs.

I want to make things work. I want to trust him again. After a few youtube videos, I realized that it wasn't just this topic that set me over.
It was the many "I'll call you tonight" followed by me waiting in bed until 1am realizing that he'd probably fell asleep again.
The "I almost fell asleep at the wheel" after I'd followed my farewells with a "drive safely".
The "Let's make some time for each other" followed by me trying to reassure myself "It's okay, you're busy and I want you to live life the way you want [even if this life doesn't involve me]"
The "Things have been busy" as he pulls himself in fifteen-hundred different directions without considering his own limits and making a change.
The lack of future planning even after being told "I can see myself spending the rest of my life with you." You can see it but it seems like you actually want to.

I want to too... but when are you going to start pulling through. When can I start feeling like I can depend more on you, that you can take on some of my concerns. Yes, you comfort me.
But I can't even feel like you'll make me a cup of hot tea if I'm feeling sick or my cramps are uncomfortable. I feel like I have to do more for you or else your life will fall through the cracks or I can't tell you anything or else your equilibrium will be disturbed and I'll be the one responsible for messing up your life, your dance, your family, your work.
I guess I don't feel like an important part of your life... I feel like I'm trying to prove my worth so that you'll consider me more. That my feelings do matter and that you'll want to help me... instead of me asking for a favor and you replying with a "um... let me get back to you" making me feel like I've just inconvenienced you.
Then I end up wanting to take back my statement "Oh, nevermind, I can figure out something else"

When am I going to start mattering to you?
Maybe I'm a fool for thinking that I could be loved...

Walking Out of the Shadow

The last few days have been a roller coaster in my relationship, but I feel like I’ve come to an interesting conclusion that I would like to document here and be able to read over and remind myself. 

This may make very little sense when you read back on this… but I think this is important to know. 

I have gotten over my inferiority complex. Maybe this black and white is for the better. 

I was told that she had been asking about me and it raised an eyebrow. As… I always thought she didn’t give a rats ass about how I was or what I was doing. And I realized why… because… the fact that he continued to contact her meant that it didn’t matter if I was there or not. She was still his priority. 

Finally… when he decided to swallow the pill, to take the ultimatum, to choose her or me and he made his decision. Then, the scales tipped in my favor. As he showed me that despite what they had, the history, the trust, I was more important to him now. He trusts me more and he wanted a future with me than a held on future with her. 

It was very interesting and almost empowering knowing this. I knew already, yes. But know I’ve let the idea sit… I’ve realized this. I’d talked to my mother today as well. 

She had seen me as inferior to her and I saw it too. There was a reason for it! I was not wrong for feeling this inferiority and as a friend said. There was a reason why I felt like this!! He did not do anything to make me feel better until he finally prioritized me. 

At first I did not like this black and white result, but the more I think about it I think it was needed. Perhaps this really was necessary, perhaps this really did need to happen for us to continue dating, and yes we had made it obvious that we both wanted to make things work. He was willing to change and I was willing to deal with this shit. 

He wants me… that’s what I wanted to hear to keep going, needed to see, and needed to understand. Unfortunately this is how he had to do it, but it confirmed it. 

A few interesting questions that I will never ask but will continue to be curious about: 

During the conversations, who was the one who always initiated? And what were the contents of your conversations? Why did you have to talk so much that it was to a daily basis? 

I may never know… and frankly, it might be better if I didn’t know for now. Although I do agree that knowing this will uncover even more of the truth. 

I am happy and thankful that we’ve figured this out… that I’ve figured this out. We have both escaped from this shadow that he’d put me and I’d put him… and we’re ready to walk out towards our future together hand-and-hand and focus on us with the distractions from the past. 

Baggage and Reassurance

Baggage is fine and it is normal. Everyone has a past that will affect their decisions in the present. I've even realized that I have a past as well as well as a trigger that makes every cell of my body scream.

Dreams are a reflection of the mind based on real life insecurities and I am writing in the down of a heartbreak from what happened in a dream. It was a very realistic scenario in which my inner self could not hide the fact to let me deal with this.
I felt that I needed to write it down... to let it out. To say something as it'd hurt to much to keep bottled up and continued to replay in my head.

Lately I have been having issues with my bf regarding his ex. It's a complicated situation in which they can continue to be friends, yet there has been multiple occasions where I felt like he is contacting her too much. I questioned why they needed to talk so much. But how do you draw the line with something like that? I want to be accepting, but I was until he'd messed up... really badly that forever made me start questioning his mindset and intentions with me. Christmas Dinner 2017... is all I'm going to explain of this situation.
After having constantly brought up the issue. After making him frustrated about it during a 5-hour drive to LA. After I've cried about it again... he told me that night after I'd been drinking and confronted him, that he was fed up with talking about it and had decided to take an ultimatum that I'd mentioned but had not presented to him. It was a pill I did not want to hand out, but I believe he thinks this is the easiest way to quell my heart's lack of trust. I had to confide in an old friend again, to ask if I was crazy or not. Why did I feel more uneasy? Her advice for the time being after listening to the situation was "just set it aside for now and if it still bothers you after thing decision has died down, then the both of you need to come up with a real solution."

Now my own mind has turned against me. This is my dream... an event that everyone dance related was going to watch, oddly my parents were also there. I was going to go but did not tell him, deciding it would be a surprise, when I see him talking to her. They were sitting together, talking and laughing. My heart crumbled as a texted and called him with no answer. He didn't see. Even she saw me... standing there alone... watching their silhouettes, but didn't say anything and the continued on. I called like the insane girlfriend, until I couldn't take it anymore and I left a broken voice message, telling him how I felt betrayed and lied to. That I still want to make it work although he wasn't making the right efforts as well.
Deleting her contacts was the most impulsive way to avoid the situation. With that I feel like you're promising me that you will never of your own will meet and/or contact her. In my dream, you had broke it, not because you wanted to but because you didn't think about it and betrayed my trust and the promise you'd made. That's why I didn't want to make him delete everything as it made the situation become very black and white, when I continued to want to make it grey. If it was grey I could be more accepting, I could learn to accept despite the pain and insecurity. I'd never asked the contents of their conversation and I never snooped his phone out of trust while it lied there in front of me without him in the room, out of trust, because I believed in him. Although because I have handed you that trust, I felt like you took it, did not think to look into how it made me feel inside, and took advantage of it until I am at this point now.
Even I do not message my own friends that often and I know that I am different and that it is unfair to ask him to read my mind but it puts doubt in my heart. I don't know if he could follow through with this promise he had now made me... and it has become a pass or fail test for him. Choose me or her.

I hate this... because I also have a trigger from the first closest thing I had as a relationship. My trigger is when someone does something for me against their own wants, and later down the line blames me saying, "I did all this for you!" Those words once slapped me in the face, hard... As me being someone who wants to accept and never wants anyone to purposefully change for me. It's what that dance partner and first boyfriend did once upon a time and blamed me. It hurt and made it hard to trust someone when they did something FOR ME. I can't accept a meal free meal without paying them back. I feel like I have to over compensate so that there is no emotional debt that can be used against me. "I'd invested so much money and time into you" "為了妳...!"
Those words left a scare in me and I don't want to hear them again from someone I'd trusted. I was fine by myself. If you were just going to say those words to me, why would I have involved myself with you in the first place!

I'm scared that this decision, this ultimatum, this promise, will circle back around and hurt the both of us and I don't know how to talk to him about it, because I know he doesn't want to talk about this anymore. I know he wants the happy version of me... and I haven't been lately. I don't need to hear that "I was more broken then you thought". I need to hear that you're still happy with me, overall.

I type as I cry in my bed... relationships are hard and I still love him... and I know he's bad with words and decisions, and that's why more time needs to be put in and to talk to work things out. Yet I've also felt like he hasn't given me the time to work this out together. It's worth it for me and I am willing to put in the time... is it still  for you?

This is for him... as I consider to share this with him.
What I want right now... is a hug from you with your undivided, awake self. I do not doubt your feelings for me... granted the past few days has been a bit difficult. For you to hold me and tell me that I am still beautiful, that I'm not crazy,  that you know I will work hard, that I am strong, and that I will get over my problems and that we are both willing to try to make things work. To reassure me that I am still worth it to you in the long run. That despite you think that I am "more broken than you thought" that those words were my own and does not reflect your opinion of me. To tell me that you are there because you want to and that you are not afraid to tell me over and over because it is not that I don't believe, it's that I want to hear it and be reminded. That you still love me... like you said one year ago before I left and that those words were real and still are.
I am not in the best place in my life right now... I knew this would have happened and I was scared about you being in my life at this time. I know I'm not living up to your expectation of how life would be with me coming back to the states, but I need to know that your feelings still haven't changed since we first decided to try to make things work and that you want to be here next to me and will be willing to remind me as many times as I need until I get my life here back together again. The words you'd told me when I was in Taiwan... that gave me so much hope. The hope that I will need to continue to hold on to as I start anew, as I allow myself to take more time to put the puzzle pieces together.
I created a colorful life for myself in a foreign country, it also took a year or so of crying and regret, but I did it!... It will also take me some time to put things together again and I hope you will stay by my side until then...

What do I, Tammy, Want

What do I want in a relationship, what do I want in this relationship?

I want two individuals who care and want the best for each other. Two individuals who do everything to understand each other in attempts to merge their lives together and support each other for the long run. I want to be able to continue to improve myself and have him involved in my life, to be able to tell him what is going on with me... my anxiety, my stress, my sadness.... my excitement, my hopes, my dreams.
Recently I've felt a constant, brushed away, over dramatized, avoided feelings regarding the negative in my life. My excitement, hopes, and dreams feeling misunderstood. I've constantly been feeling like someone very important to me... does not understand me. Does not care so much about how I'm feeling and it's been difficult.

Compromise. Discussion. Getting used to. Acceptance. Key words to getting along with someone in a more intimate sense, whether it's friendship or romance. The word I prefer to use is Understanding, and recently I haven't felt understood. I've felt like the emotions I've tried to convey have been warped and twisted to another level in which I do not think is that deep rooted. Therefore, I am writing to you again, blogger. To understand what exactly I want... what I need... and how I want to be understood. Because I feel like the person closest to me... that I wish would understand me most is thinking less and less of me.

Time:
Time is tight and precious. There is often when I feel like there are not enough hours in the day to divide among parts of my life. To divide time to what is important to me. I could go on for weeks without seeing someone, even if they are important to me. I went on for weeks without seeing one of my closest friends in the states, although I constantly do what I can to make time for him.
I understand that I have less factors to work with, although I've constantly felt on the edge, waiting, on stand by.
I'm not asking for a long, long time. I'm barely even asking for a day. I only ask for a day when I want to do something specifically that would be nice for a whole day. It doesn't have to be a full day, a half day I wouldn't mind either. But it's when my hopes are over dramatized, I get upset. I do what I can to not ask for much, because I don't know what I want either. I'm very emotional, I only know what I like and what I don't like. Any time is precious and any time he is ready to share with me, I treasure.
I have now decided. What I want is

Dance:
I'm feeling misunderstood constantly. Yes, I was hurt before. What hurt is not my past experience, what hurt is the situation that my past has brought upon me when I was put into another situation.
I want to be a competitive dancer. To compete for myself to the level right for me. To create friendships from this hobby. That is what a hobby is. A thing for you to enjoy with other people (possibly) and find self improvement and satisfaction in.
I don't mind the pressure. I welcome the pressure from other people. It makes me feel like I have people who actually believe in me. It's because I often have a hard time believing in myself that I need the pressure from others to drive me.
CL put some pressure on me unintentionally, although it drove me further. To improve faster and to be better for myself and to be a better partner. I don't blame him for what happened to me. I blame my environment that I was unable to control. My environment that did not prepare me for the new environment that has me in this situation. I am upset that I could not prevent this situation, that I could not situate faster. That I couldn't be the person I wanted to be. That I couldn't be at the point in my life that I wanted to be.