No One Can Be Trusted

No one can be trusted in your heart. Absolutely no one. I understand now... I keep understanding yet I continue to forget. You're in idiot Tammy, every time... at least you figured it out before you really got hurt.
Friends, what the fuck are they. Companions that are just to keep you from looking like a loner in this world or someone you can trust that will stand by your side through better or for worse.
I surrounded myself with various types of friends over the course of these two years in this foreign country, knowing that I can't get myself sucked into a group of people ever again. I know that they will eventually betray me and hurt me in some way.

I always knew one couldn't be trusted. I worried about her that night and was left sleep deprived because if her. I was evil for making her think more into her mistakes, but she deserved it. I just didn't think someone else was so quick to forgive. Quick to forgive...

They're going out now... without me, right after they made up. I knew in the States that I would be the third wheel. I hate those that are innocent and clueless, I really don't like these type of people. They act like they did nothing wrong and because they're clueless, people forgive them instantly. While people like me... I'm planning, I think, and I worry, if something I've done seems wrong, they instantly think less of me. If I crack, people can't accept me. That's why I've been shallow... with everyone. Eventually I stopped being shallow, I found someone I thought I could accept and give my heart to... but the thing is, in a way she's fickle and again I'm betrayed.

I should've known better... I'm foolish for thinking this.

"We're just going to scout out the area first, fuck you, I thought we were suppose to go together. Fuck you and go."

EDIT 12/4/2015: I was mad when I posted this, but in the end things turned out fine. That one didn't go... and we stayed and talked. She said there was always another time we can go together since we did promise and we went together a week later. :)

Some Me Time

Hey Blogger,

I think my blog is done with fluffy boy stuff. I realized that I'm feeling some real life pressures these days. After some reflection during the summer with my beloved mother, I realized that I want my me time.
I don't want to be in a relationship anymore since I find that I'm not in love with my dance partner anymore. I don't feel the romantic attraction that I'd felt before I went home for the summer. And what we have isn't the romantic attraction that I want to have when being in a relationship. I'm thinking that I'm not looking for a relationship anymore. I just want some me time.

Currently a junior in university, I really want to just focus on my school and improving my skill sets to make myself a better candidate when going out into society. These few years I've haven't felt like I've improved as a designer, and now that I've finally found a path that I'd like to go down for my future career. I really want to go into fashion and work as an alterations assistant at Vera Wang Bridals if that internship is available next year. It just sounds absolutely amazing and I hope that they'd take me.
Sometimes I worry about not getting a chance at the career I want. But I suppose one just has to get use to be rejected a few times before getting what they want without being battered up too much.

I'm happy with my life without being "in a relationship". I have great friends, a family that loves me, and opportunities of a lifetime. I'm excited and nervous about the future and I know that this year when I go home, I won't be the same person as I was before.

Fluff vs Lemons

Tonight I would consider was my first date night with my "boyfriend". We started it off with dinner after our dance lesson and later (since I was sick) went over to his place and watched Frozen. As I promised him we should.

The main part of our date was watching the animated family-film in his room, but he filled the time with cuddling and often kissed my cheek and neck while watching. I liked it... being showered by his affection. Me, being the shy, young, being the first time girlfriend, didn't reciprocate as much, but I accepted all his affection and tried to signal that I liked it.
I even offered that if I wasn't sick, I would've been willing to give kiss him, on the lips... 
It was when the movie ended and I looked at the clock when I was shocked 11:45. I didn't want to leave just yet, though I knew it was about time, but as long as I made it back by 1:00am there should be no problem.
So after hanging out a bit and I could feel the desire in his voice when he asked about watching porn again. I could feel my heart sigh a bit and feel the wonderful date I had been ruined just a bit. It was when I was about to leave when he asked me about the time I mentioned being willing to give him a handjob, and I cringed.
"Right now?" I asked with slightly disappointed eyes.
He really did want one, and I felt myself questioning the relationship and the fact that I was so open about my sexuality so early on in the game.
This was a mistake on my part... but I really just wanted a non-sexual relationship for a bit before I decide to take it to the next level.

I told him this... and I hope he understands. I really don't want this just to be a fling. I want to grow to love him and return his feelings and not just do it for the sake if getting it over with...
Perhaps I'll have to talk to him about this again... I really don't want to do anything sexual with him for a while...

Another Post About #Love

So today I let out all my strange feelings, pressures, and sensations go. And just accepted it. I accepted to start dating my dance partner.
Sometimes if I think about it too much, I can hear my family screaming at me and my parents shaking their heads. Dancing and this physical exercise and intimacy leads to attraction.
Perhaps, perhaps if he started dancing with another girl he'd fall for her too. Perhaps what he tells me about his past partnerships are all lies. Who knows. But I chose to believe him.

So technically I now have an unofficial boyfriend. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut now... since I'm a bit of a blabber mouth myself and I'm afraid of all the disapproval I was warned of before.
My family, I know, are going to disapprove...
I don't know about what Mommy and Dad will think...
And I know my friends don't like the idea of the two of us together... 

He's 29! He's short, he's not /that/ good looking, he's a dancer.
But hey... I care for him. He's a really good friend, and I think I might like like him too...

I personally don't think things will go any further than dating. We have different paths to walk, I've barely started and he needs to start thinking about settling. But hey, why not try it out while we're still young.
He's agreed to step aside if I find someone else... and I need to accept... that eventually I might hurt him...
Even if we do break up in the future, I do hope we can still be friends. As a person and a friend, I still care for him, and hope he finds his own happiness in life.

The New Label #Love

Wow... so I've never had boy troubles that were so confusing before, enough that I have to write about it. But I might as well, for memories sake, update about what's been going on in that section of my life. So I've been writing about my dance partner a lot lately, since I've also been seeing him quite a bit. And since my last post, I think I feel something tingling.
I've decided to give him a chance. See if he decides to take the bait. We've been starting to hang out apart from dance and starting to talk about the underlying feelings that I try to avoid.

He finally confessed, I guess you could say. And I rejected lightly, yet accepted in a way. But he also understands that he's been rejected, multiple times.

[EDIT] So this post I didn't publish so I'm just going to add and update it.

Last night I went to his place, nothing happened though. He wanted me to share my experience in watching porn, and finding it harmless, I agreed. Following the busy events related to dance, the right decision would be to go with him to his place since he had a lot of stuff to take back. I really wasn't sure about going as I was afraid one thing might lead to another and who knows what would happen.

We watched porn and talked about a lot of intimacies. Once again I shared my concerns about dating him and the complications. And he, being the nice guy he was, understood and said that he still wanted to try. If I were to find some other guy that I wanted to date, he agreed to step aside.
I still have my concerns about this idea since I know he'd be hurt, and I don't want to be the reason for his sadness. But he told me, even if we didn't date and I found a boyfriend, he'd still be hurt in the same way. I'm still worried about the whole thing, but I'm starting to consider it.

Many people know that I want to lose my virginity/debut my sexuality, I'm just determined to find the right guy that I care for and he mutually cares for me back, then I could be free to roam. I'm lucky that my partner is such an understanding guy. So I've actually be considering being with him. It's easier to imagine sex with him than kissing him, so once we've kissed and it's not too strange I think it'll be alright. I'm still scared what a sexual experience will do to change our relationship, will it bring an intimacy to our dance or will we be so awkward that we can't look each other in the eye? I can't be sure until we actually do it.
I'm still in the process of thinking about it. It's been easier and easier to accept him, but I'm still hesitant. Is this just nerves or is it a sign that I really shouldn't?

Looking at the Void Silently

Ranting of facebook for all to see is stupid... why would anyone do that? Let everyone know your problems and perhaps make people think that you're being overemotional of begging for help, it's pathetic.
So when I'm upset, I look at that void known as social media. I imagine calling in it and think about who will reply, who exactly am I trying to get the attention of? Are my problems really worse that other people that they would take the time in their own busy lives to care? I think not...

Perhaps it's the rain today, but I've been feeling a bit down. I can't smile and I just can't help feel worried about mostly my dance. After working so hard and finding out that I'm not dancing as good as I thought I've been, is depressing and I start questioning my reasons for dancing. Why am I still slouching and my arms still look like noodles?

I need to practice more... wish me luck blogger...

合作盃 Holy Sh*t Why Do I Dance??

So today was a second competition of the school year and wow... I really really suck. OTL After all that time and practice... why do I still look like such an awkward duck when dancing? I've trained for so many nights and yet I still dance so grossly.
In the beginning I was thinking that I wasn't dancing so bad... but I feel like I haven't improved at all. And the way I dance... It looks worse than most of the kids there. I decided to look at the videos that were taken today and, god, I dance so strangely, I start to question why the hell I dance.

I work so hard... but my body still looks awkward when I dance. How do I improve already??

I feel really bad for my partner... he supports me so much, but I still dance hella strangely. What's even worse is that he dances so well and I feel like I'm just holding him back. So I wonder, why do I dance?

I love ballroom dancing, it makes me feel sexy, happy, and give me confidence. But as a competitor... I start to see what I lack and how high of a wall I need to climb. And looking at that wall is making me nervous.

Wow... and I can't believe I've been so selfish. And here I've only been thinking of my own feelings. Thinking of being some love-sick puppy, wtf. Enough of that! Get your shit together Tammy... Focus on your work, school, and improve yourself! Stop being so emotional, you're no longer in high school. It's time to grow up and remember what your goals really are. Good luck.

A Comfort and Happiness

So recently I've been getting along with my dance partner a lot more... and I'm wondering if I'm starting to have feelings that is more than just being friends.
I've known for a while that he's had feelings for me... but to my belief I don't return his sentiment as flattering as it is.  I do care for my partner quite a bit, and being with him makes me happy. I enjoy talking and spending time with him, like he's one of my best friends. I just feel like I can tell him about something problems I've been dealing with, and it means a lot that he listens to me quietly and sometimes even gives me suggestions.

He's a honest guy... and I appreciate that part about him... but it couldn't be love. Should I tell him? Tell him that I appreciate him as a friend and having him be there for me? Or would that sound too much like a confession in his eyes. I'm not one to hide my feelings so usually if I like a guy enough, I tell him exactly how I feel.
Now I know he's basically confessed, but I don't want to completely reject him either... perhaps I should just tell him that I appreciate him, a lot... as a friend... maybe even a brother. Kinda like Andy...

I feel conflicted... but I kinda wanna just get this feelings out. I need to talk to more people I suppose... to reaffirm my friendship status.

Otaku Days

It's winter break and I've been taking the time to return to my roots and watch some anime, catch up with some manga. Unfortunately these days are coming to an end soon after it even began, but I just felt like writing a blog about my thoughts.

So the first thing on my anime list was to actually catch up with reading Tokyo Ghoul, and wow... it's pretty intense.
Shironeki is super hawt~ *starts to fan self*
And I really miss the Ghoul side of Kaneki since now he's the amnesic Haise. I guess they're focusing on the Investigator part of this world now so we'll feel more for them. Etc.
Still a million questions unanswered, but we'll see how it goes.

Second. I finally got to watch Gekkan Shoujou Nozaki-kun. I loved this anime. It's super cute and super funny. It's kinda sad that none of the couples actually got together though...

Third I started on an anime I've been wanting to watch called Death Parade. It's another anime with an opening that's deceiving to the viewer. I think this happens to me a lot, when I'm obsessed with an anime that's not exactly what the opening's like. Though I like what I got anyways.
I'm posting the opening just because it's awesome and makes me happy with the happy music and beautiful animation. Totally makes me wanna dance too~

Everybody~ Put your hands up~

Who the Hell is Snoring???

Last night was rather rough...

Last night I went to bed at around 2:00 am, thinking that I'd fall asleep immediately after putting my head on the pillow. But unfortunately after a long meeting and a frustrating night, I was tossing and turning, and above all, we had an unwarned intruder to our dorm room.
Having another person in the room is one thing, not being told that they'll be staying over is another thing, but having the person disturb my usual sleep pattern is a bit irking.

I have to give credit to this amazing thing used to cover my eyes. I forget the exact term for it, but I never started to use it until these few days. Usually I'm tossing and turning or distracted by the light that is still on, but recently the moment I put those on my eyes, I can't remember how much longer I'm awake before BOOM I'm asleep. What in the world is this sorcery??

Before I didn't like to use the eye mask as it would make my hair all weird, but it doesn't matter, since my hair's going to be weird anyways after sleeping. But the best part is that it's on when I need it and off when I wake up!
I feel like I'm falling in love with this inanimate object and trying to consider if I should use it more often in my life.

Just a random thought full of fun I'd say.

Have a lovely day, blogger.