Something is Wrong with Me

Today I've been under the weather... I've already admit to myself that it's ok for people to ignore me when I'm feeling down since I know that's how my group of friends is. I know they care... kinda... but not to the point that they'll ask me if I'm ok.

Today during PE I was content... well probably some ways lower than content, at least enough that I can use the wall of pretending. We played ultimate frisbee... and I did absolutely nothing.
Well not that my team needed me... since they all worked together and won the first three tournaments. Hilary, Mar, and Elora were all very excited and happy after winning. But the whole time... I just kept thinking.... "I'm so useless... haha"

Ester tried to make me feel better and joked with me that she was useless too, but at least she ran pretty fast and was pretty athletic there.

I suddenly got pretty upset with myself. I was talking with Ester and I was basically ranting... one thing I'm trying to prevent myself from doing. But I couldn't help but feel my eyes tear. I hate looking at people when I tear, since it's impossible to hid and when people notice they know something's up...

I couldn't stop myself, the tears just kept falling... and I tried to brush them away as much as possible. Hilary (sitting in front of me) obviously noticed, but the whole time I was like "please don't notice please don't notice." I couldn't stop... sitting next to my friends... I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't help it., I let myself tear it out for a few seconds...

Then it was time to go... I immediately ran out the door (in a natural way) since I don't want people to see my crying face. Grinding my teeth I cursed at myself and put myself together temporarily so at least I can make it home.

Ester told me that I might want to get some professional help... which I'm starting to think I might need. I feel horrible talking to my friends... since they're not the type of people that know what to do to help someone. They mean the world to me... but sometimes I wish I knew how they could help me too.

It's been like this for years... the feelings just grew more intense. I cry a lot when I think about this. I can't put on a mask since I'm not that type of person... but I don't want to be the one that always rants as well.
People tell me... deal with it yourself first! And this is what happens when I try to deal with it myself... I get worse. HAHA

I don't hate life. I find myself very lucky compared the people who are less fortunate than me, I understand it all, but I can't see the meaning anymore. I hate this meaningless pain I go through every day of my life. There's no point of it, but I can't stop.
I talked we yujin once about friendship being equal. I discovered that I am not equal in any part. I fantasize that I am, but I just don't think I am. I want to be there for people, but how can someone who can't even help herself help others. I find my only use to be for money since I spend it carelessly when it comes to my friends.

I really don't know what is wrong with me. I believed it was just a build up, it probably is, but I now I don't even remember what built it up
I learned to forgive and forget what it was, but my heart can't forget the pain. What do I do now.

I hope I have some disorder, it would suck if it was just my stupid fantasies and I am just too overemotional. How disgracing would that be.

Have Hope. Hope I find my way, Hope I cure myself, Hope I can stop this wild goose chase in my life. Hopes I don't jump off a building. Hope my future will come. Hope things will lighten up...
Hope... hopes.... hopes....





If you are a friend that just finished reading this. Thank you for reading. You don't have to do anything, maybe it's just me trying to rant. Please don't worry about me and continue to live your own happy lives with everyone else. Thank you again.

"One's Happiness is the Happiness of the one's you love" -Tammy 2009

Happy Birthday Hilary :)

Today was my dear hilary's birthday :) I certain hoped it was a good day to the end. I used my 11:11 wish last night in hopes that hilary will be happy today.

I prepared a "sweet 16" balloon for her birthday, even though tomorrow's going to rain. I was going to complete my promise of bring a balloon for her birthday.
Indeed... I was not the only one who brought a balloon for hilary, Margret also got her one. I was surprised and somewhat relieved since the balloon Margret got was one that I was considering yesterday.

My present for Hilary was pathetic compared to the presents that were given today. I had to keep reminding myself that that was only a small part of it. Though... at home... there is a part I cannot find for my life .___. I have no idea were it went...

So... for the starter present I gave hilary the Hanbok drawing that I was working so frantically on, the formal pair drawing, and the blue coach clutch I promised.
I still have a big of a surprised on my hands. :D

So continuing on... I do hope she had a good birthday. I put myself on my best behavior when talking to her, hoping not to anger, sadden, or ashamed her.

Today though... I realized how much Hilary is loved by everyone. I'm SO not saying she isn't just... lately I've been seeing how negative Hilary is being and how... I feel like I can be a little more deserving to be negative. Today... I learned from Mar that she woke up at 5 am to call Hilary to say Happy Birthday because thats when she was born.
I kind of went into shock. It's not bad... you could say I was jealous. I know I am someone who likes attention, but expects it to come to me. But... idk... lately it's been making me think of my birthday last year.
Continuing on, I worked extra hard on the picture... and it seemed like almost nothing compared to everything else. It was suppose to be my secret surprise weapon... but it failed me.
This is probably the first present yujin hasn't been late to bring. .... nough said...
Margret came up with this amazing card that was as tall as hilary. It was a creative idea... but it finally hit me...

I was talking to Hil once about how I am disappointed that whenever I work so hard on a present, it just gets glanced at and put aside...
PLEASE don't get me wrong... I am very happy for Hilary :o you can say I'm just very jealous that even on my birthdays I can't get anything close to that.

The party is still undecided...

-sigh- I don't feel like talking about my negative feelings today... maybe some other time. It's getting late for me. Good night.

Shoes Fated for Me :)

Today was awesome <3 I was in a good mood at school and everything was just good. There were somethings that bothered me just a tad... but I will explain them later in this post.

Ok... sooo I guess I'll start with the bad things:
Today everyone seemed so... idk... distant? I was play the fun hyper person today, but everyone didn't seem in the mood to deal with me. Or... if they were ok with being happy except just couldn't when they look at me. Happens often man XD

Eh... so I was a little confused during PE. Since... I talked to Elora happily since I don't talk to her that much and I do love talking to Elora. She's so fun and doesn't let the small things bother her as some other people do sometimes and she's so positive! I love that about her. I hate showing my bad side to elora since she's just an angel! so who can loll
So.. basically I was talking to Elora... and surely Hilary and Mar were both kinda quiet. Which I didn't notice that much but... Hilary joined in the conversation and lead it into a direction I couldn't keep up with, since... yeah. but I didn't mind, I just listened happily, then I started to get suspicious of Mar being too quiet. Mmm well I didn't bother about it too much until I was kicked out of the conversation again. And... whenever I would talk to elora or decide to join in on some childish fun... hilary got quiet again... and mar was just quiet as always.
Thinking that I was interrupting something I decided to kick myself out of the conversation and ran over to talk to mar. Asking what was wrong since she was so quiet. Eventually she perked up and talked about her dreams. I'm guessing she was just kinda lonely since she didn't know what to talk about.

So... when I got home with my mom she was showing me some shoes she bought at marshalls and what not and she said she wanted to go to macy's and aero because she needed to buy stuff. So as the great daughter I was, I accompanied her, who knows maybe I'll find something I like.
We went to macy's and she was looking through some bags in the clearance/sale area and I was searching for hilary's birthday present in case there was something I could buy her. My mom went towards the coach section of the store and started rummaging. There was a woman there that just kept watch of the coach bags and she scanned the price for my mom to know. It was a purple bag from shiny plastic. It really wasn't something I like, but my mom said, "What I hate will sell well."
Which is probably true. So she went on to buy it and was extremely happy. We shopped around at Aero when my mom told me she was going to go to Macy's more often now since she learned that they sell decent coach bags there.

As we walked towards the car in the mall, I mentioned how I was still looking for a pair of nice flats to wear. So my mom suggested we go to Marshalls to look around. And apparently she was in an ultra good mood since my mom almost never suggests we go shopping, usually she'll feel too tired and we'd go home after the shopping business was over.
So I agreed and asked if they had wallets there to and with a yes we were off.
We arrived at Marshalls and headed towards the clearance rack for shoes. It was nice since there were many size 5 1/2s and 6s. The size 6 flats were still big for me, and my mom found a cool pair of gold, leather sandals. They were nice and quite comfortable. I didn't like them at first, but after a while they grew on me.
While searching the racks, in the very left top corner I found a nice pair of flats. They were really pretty. Red Plaid with gold and it was Coach! I was shocked and saw that the size was 5 1/2. Trying them on, they fit perfectly and were the only pair of its kind!
Looking at the price... it was a bit pricey for my taste, but I fell in love with them. I couldn't part with them. It just made me feel sad parting with something so beautiful. After making a deal with my mom, she bought it.

At the cashier we went through a bit of role playing as we talked with the cashier. Thanks to the training we have from making stories up after buying coach.

-mom pays for stuff with credit card-
cashier: ID please?
-mom takes out her old Taiwan passport-
cashier: Are you visiting here?
mom: lol yes :)
me: just doing some shopping while we're here ^.^
-pause-
cashier: so... are you two related
-thoughts going through mom and me: crap she noticed Tam's fluent english... what is she... aunt and niece... mom daughter... cousins?-
me: uh... yeah haha ^^;;
mom: Lol
cashier: yeah since you seem to know the language
me: yeah ^^;
-me: going with the aunt story... going with aunt story-
-mom: ^^;;;-
cashier: indeed... I love it when my granddaughter comes and shop with me, that's very nice of you
me: haha yeah ^^
-mom and me: hurry up hurry up hurry up-

-Leaving the store-
XDDDDDDDD < laughing a lot
Apparently my mom was also going through the -make up roleplay to lie- game.
We laughed our head off as we drove home.


So indeed... I got 3 new pairs of shoes in one day. It was a marvelous shopping day :D
I plan to wait for a very hot day for me to show off my new flats, they're just too beautiful X3
Looking forward to wearing them :D

Result of Lonelyness: APH Vids

YES so it's Spring Break! But there is only one problem.... I'm bored out of my mind. Well yes there is things I should do, but there's no motivation, I have this false hope that someone will talk to me... so I'm just wasting time.

Soo.... as always I've been looking through Hetalia Vids again... and I feel in love with a few.

So CUTE! <3 XD I love the Asians even though some other people dont... but it's ok! I love them :3


Sooo here's a historical Hetalia skit
I love watching them, and it's my dream to do one of them. I probably have to wait till college though, when I can find other people as anime crazed as me :D
Sooo this was done in China :3 you can see the asian eyes > -v-
Sooo this is basically China's history they are depicting and done a great job! I love this


Soo... I'm continue to reading my awesome Prussia Fanfiction by LadyCharity. It's called "Hello Hurricane"
Sooo I really love it and I fell in love with the Bad Friends Trio. I'm planning to do a fan art for them and submitting it into the Gakuen Hetalia Group on Deviant <3
Wish me luck with that! My drawings never turn out the way I want them to...

Sooo this is a vid done of the Bad Friends Trio involving France, Prussia, and Spain. I love them :3 I never liked France that much, but I like him a little better. Spain is sooo cute <3 and Prussia is just awesome >D
The song is Pokerface and it's kinda short, but I love looking at the pix! woot!