am i really HOPELESS, Useless?

Hello blogger. Something struck me today and I just needed to get it out someway somehow.

Today my dad yelled at me again. I'm not quite sure why. Well it wasn't "yelling" exactly, but we argued in the car. I seriously don't know why he was so mad. I started crying when I got home. It wasn't a bawling cry, but tears came out and I wanted to scream my heart out.
"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME! I CAN'T EVEN SEE YOU AS MY DAD!"
how come

Tears fell and I ran the conversation through my head again.
It started when I got on the car from tutor lessons. My mom was driving with my dad at the passenger seat.
I was telling my mom the time for next time and my dad started to ramble on about what's the point since I'm not going to study anyways.
This didn't hurt as much since he's already said it so many times. So just continued to ask my mom about things.
But my dad continued to ramble and shame me. He kept telling me I was hopeless and to be an interior designer I didn't need to study since that's how low my standard are. Said I didn't even need to go to college.
This hurt. Even though he's said it before, I just wanted to punch him each time.
I told my mom, "See mom... I told you dad doesn't care about me at all. I could die in the streets and he won't care."
Then my dad said, "Then go die. Not like you have any use anyways"

Even though it was from the person I hate most, it hurt like hell. Sure my grades aren't as great as Kim's nor Andy's, but there's no need to say that I should die and I'm unless in life.

Maybe this is how I told myself that I don't belong in this world.

So... I let it go. Because, this person... so-called my "dad" doesn't know me AT ALL.
Sure I don't like reading... and I don't read REAL books. But because I lack normal books and novels. I'm reading TEXTBOOKS during my free time.

He only sees me watching anime and dramas, drawing, and reading manga because I finished the stupid homework he gave me.
This person doesn't know who I am. He's not worth it. Not even worth ranting about in this blog. But I just need to get it out since I suck at keeping journals.

Something that matters more to me is my mom and my friends, since they're the only people I can turn to.
Sure there's Itachi... but, I wish there was a more "physical" version of him so I could hug him or he could hug me. Maybe that's what I need, a hug. Something that my mom won't give me and my friends find awkward.
Maybe I just need someone who could lend me a shoulder and let me cry so I don't have to curl up in the closet and sob silently.

I'm afraid to tell my friends. They once told me I'm too dramatic, as if I'm trying to make a Korean drama or something. I wish I could just say. It really hurts. It's collected inside and coming out just a bit as tears. As the underlying problem slowly destroys me from the inside.

Once mar said to me in one of her attempts to get me to open, "You're hopeless."
I knew she didn't mean it the same way as the other times I've been called hopeless, but it still stung to be called that from a friend that I cherish.

I realized today, that I don't know any of my good points, I don't think I have them. I'm not smart, pretty, skinny, tough, kind, friendly, sociable, popular, attractive, strong, funny, rich, talented, artistic, there's not even one thing I can be proud of myself.

-I say I'm Taiwanese and is proud of it. But I'm more of a disgrace to Taiwanese.
-I claim my Japanese is good, but there are people who are better than me.
-I think I'm an awesome TA for wisdom, that's just my imagination.
-I say I have the chance of being the Japanese club prez senior year. It's not possible for me.
-Good at swimming? No... there's people who beat me by a mile.
-My chinese is good? Not at all. I just don't have an accent.
-I think I'm mature. HA that's wishful thinking.
-I wonder if I'm street smart. that's impossible. In the city I'll just be raped and killed or something.

I have nothing to be proud about myself.
Otakuness? I'm only 60% otaku and there's people more dedicated. Though, I'm to the point where I seriously have no life and will fail in the future.

It hurts to be told that everyday. Maybe I'm just being dramatic again. I'm trying hard to change myself. Maybe it's really just not enough. I give up I guess.
I just want to go to the closet and cry again. Well. I do have some other news, but I afraid this post isn't the post to do it.

Well. We'll see if I can wake up with panda eyes in the morning.