Dear Blogger,
So much has happened to me emotionally since I last written to you. I'm basically in love... and I can't tell if these are my own emotions or just a response to the other person's.
I went on a date with my sempai to Santa Cruz, originally with the intentions of just being friends going on a trip together. It wasn't ideal in weather. It was comfortable. It was almost romantic. At the time we resisted getting caught up in any romance. It was until we were in the jacuzzi/spa when things got heated up. We couldn't resist our first kiss and I didn't refuse it. My body wanted it, although my head told me to stop, I gave in.
Since then we've talked about a relationship, become more intimate. Very intimate. He became the guy I chose. I wanted him to be my first. I was so comfortable with him, every time I was with him, I didn't have to try so hard. I could be honest about my feelings and talk to him about anything. There was an unspoken trust between us. Our personalities, I felt, matched so well. We had so many common interest yet we were interesting to each other. We supported each other to become the best person we could possibly be, wanting to be a plus one...
He was honest with me, still being a bit upset about his last break up. It made me a bit sad, though reminded me that my going to Taiwan was probably going to be tough but also very necessary. The people around us, although don't quite know the truth about us yet, are supportive of our connection. (Apparently I'm nice enough of a girl or at least he describes me well)
Yesterday was the official last day we would be together physically. We enjoyed a very loving day of walking around Livermore Downtown. Driving around as I was in the passenger seat of his car. Having lunch together. Talking about the possibilities of me coming back to the US after my graduation. Going back to his place to watch some of the videos from my showcase at NTNU. Him genuinely being interested in the work I put into the NTNUBDC. It was nice that someone I cared about also appreciated it.
We were intimate and went to bed, talking some more. Suddenly he dropped a bomb on me and said that he was in love me... That moment I believe the emotions that I bottled up within me started to swell and I started to sob. I felt happy, but because he said those words, I was so sad about leaving. And I realized how much I was going to miss him. Not being able to see him in the mornings, visiting or seeing each other after work, dancing with him, just hanging out together. It was going to be less easy and before anything could really start and flourish between us, there needed to be a ten month hiatus.
He tells me that I'm worth the wait... and I tell him that I chose to be with him, that I'm serious about the potential between us. Even now I think about not being able to see him in person and I feel a bit glum and my eyes start to sting. But I'm also excited about the potential of returning and being with him, perhaps even sooner if he comes to Asia.
My heart feels a bit heavy. A mix between happiness, love, and sadness.
What do I like about him? I ask myself. So much... though on the spot I wouldn't really know. So I wanted to write it out here blogger. Well first I've always admired him. Any attention he gave me four years was just exciting for me. He is a great dancer in both latin and standard, I aspire to be the same. I admire his hard work, how much he craves different experiences and already has so many experiences in life already. I like how he's nerdy enough and that we can be nerdy together, although we appreciate different things and talents, I want to be interested in what he is interested in, though we don't need to like the exact same things. He's that tall and handsome. I admit I'll show a picture to a friend and I'll admit that he's not super hot, but to me I find myself admiring him. I love seeing him in white and I can feel the muscle he's gained from dancing and working out. I love that we can connect emotionally and understand each other, we can talk about anything. He loves travel and strives for the cool experiences that I would want to join in on despite having traveled so much with my parents. Being with him makes me want to explore new places and try new things to become more well-rounded as a person. He also respects me and my decisions, the that's most important trait of all. He is that gentleman that doesn't try too hard yet impresses me but also that goofball that makes me laugh.
I think I'm in love... though not enough to admit it out loud. I'm really going to miss him, though I understand this separation could only make us stronger or just tell us if this is really worth it and I really hope it is.
