So today I let out all my strange feelings, pressures, and sensations go. And just accepted it. I accepted to start dating my dance partner.
Sometimes if I think about it too much, I can hear my family screaming at me and my parents shaking their heads. Dancing and this physical exercise and intimacy leads to attraction.
Perhaps, perhaps if he started dancing with another girl he'd fall for her too. Perhaps what he tells me about his past partnerships are all lies. Who knows. But I chose to believe him.
So technically I now have an unofficial boyfriend. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut now... since I'm a bit of a blabber mouth myself and I'm afraid of all the disapproval I was warned of before.
My family, I know, are going to disapprove...
I don't know about what Mommy and Dad will think...
And I know my friends don't like the idea of the two of us together...
He's 29! He's short, he's not /that/ good looking, he's a dancer.
But hey... I care for him. He's a really good friend, and I think I might like like him too...
I personally don't think things will go any further than dating. We have different paths to walk, I've barely started and he needs to start thinking about settling. But hey, why not try it out while we're still young.
He's agreed to step aside if I find someone else... and I need to accept... that eventually I might hurt him...
Even if we do break up in the future, I do hope we can still be friends. As a person and a friend, I still care for him, and hope he finds his own happiness in life.
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
Sunday, April 26, 2015
The New Label #Love
Wow... so I've never had boy troubles that were so confusing before, enough that I have to write about it. But I might as well, for memories sake, update about what's been going on in that section of my life. So I've been writing about my dance partner a lot lately, since I've also been seeing him quite a bit. And since my last post, I think I feel something tingling.
I've decided to give him a chance. See if he decides to take the bait. We've been starting to hang out apart from dance and starting to talk about the underlying feelings that I try to avoid.
He finally confessed, I guess you could say. And I rejected lightly, yet accepted in a way. But he also understands that he's been rejected, multiple times.
[EDIT] So this post I didn't publish so I'm just going to add and update it.
Last night I went to his place, nothing happened though. He wanted me to share my experience in watching porn, and finding it harmless, I agreed. Following the busy events related to dance, the right decision would be to go with him to his place since he had a lot of stuff to take back. I really wasn't sure about going as I was afraid one thing might lead to another and who knows what would happen.
We watched porn and talked about a lot of intimacies. Once again I shared my concerns about dating him and the complications. And he, being the nice guy he was, understood and said that he still wanted to try. If I were to find some other guy that I wanted to date, he agreed to step aside.
I still have my concerns about this idea since I know he'd be hurt, and I don't want to be the reason for his sadness. But he told me, even if we didn't date and I found a boyfriend, he'd still be hurt in the same way. I'm still worried about the whole thing, but I'm starting to consider it.
Many people know that I want to lose my virginity/debut my sexuality, I'm just determined to find the right guy that I care for and he mutually cares for me back, then I could be free to roam. I'm lucky that my partner is such an understanding guy. So I've actually be considering being with him. It's easier to imagine sex with him than kissing him, so once we've kissed and it's not too strange I think it'll be alright. I'm still scared what a sexual experience will do to change our relationship, will it bring an intimacy to our dance or will we be so awkward that we can't look each other in the eye? I can't be sure until we actually do it.
I'm still in the process of thinking about it. It's been easier and easier to accept him, but I'm still hesitant. Is this just nerves or is it a sign that I really shouldn't?
I've decided to give him a chance. See if he decides to take the bait. We've been starting to hang out apart from dance and starting to talk about the underlying feelings that I try to avoid.
He finally confessed, I guess you could say. And I rejected lightly, yet accepted in a way. But he also understands that he's been rejected, multiple times.
[EDIT] So this post I didn't publish so I'm just going to add and update it.
Last night I went to his place, nothing happened though. He wanted me to share my experience in watching porn, and finding it harmless, I agreed. Following the busy events related to dance, the right decision would be to go with him to his place since he had a lot of stuff to take back. I really wasn't sure about going as I was afraid one thing might lead to another and who knows what would happen.
We watched porn and talked about a lot of intimacies. Once again I shared my concerns about dating him and the complications. And he, being the nice guy he was, understood and said that he still wanted to try. If I were to find some other guy that I wanted to date, he agreed to step aside.
I still have my concerns about this idea since I know he'd be hurt, and I don't want to be the reason for his sadness. But he told me, even if we didn't date and I found a boyfriend, he'd still be hurt in the same way. I'm still worried about the whole thing, but I'm starting to consider it.
Many people know that I want to lose my virginity/debut my sexuality, I'm just determined to find the right guy that I care for and he mutually cares for me back, then I could be free to roam. I'm lucky that my partner is such an understanding guy. So I've actually be considering being with him. It's easier to imagine sex with him than kissing him, so once we've kissed and it's not too strange I think it'll be alright. I'm still scared what a sexual experience will do to change our relationship, will it bring an intimacy to our dance or will we be so awkward that we can't look each other in the eye? I can't be sure until we actually do it.
I'm still in the process of thinking about it. It's been easier and easier to accept him, but I'm still hesitant. Is this just nerves or is it a sign that I really shouldn't?
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